Grounding

by Heart Quest

Summary: Chris is feeling low and Vin steps in to help his cowboy. It's not a physical Chris owie, but it does have him needin' his tracker. No sex, but a lot of holdin', kissin' and downright drinking in each other's souls.

Feedback: If you feel inclined, please do. If not, skip it. I write for myself either way. Dedicated to Ket and Kylie, just because. <G>

Disclaimer: Not mine, no money, strictly for fun because Chris and Vin loving each other gets me through my days.

A feeling, mostly.

A need, definitely.

A want, positively.

A truth, unequivocally.

Reasons, justifications and all out explanations went through his mind, but in the end it all amounted to the same thing. He wanted Chris Larabee whole again, the truth of it all, the need for it all...the feeling of it all. He wanted to ease the gunslinger's pain.

Vin Tanner sat at the poker table, eyeing the shot glass of whiskey in his hand. Half-filled and about ready to be emptied, the shimmering amber liquid caught his gaze and held it. He heard the sound of the spurs scraping the boardwalk outside the saloon and his fingers clenched around the small clear glass. Chris' spurs. Vin knew that sound like he knew the sound of his own breathing.

The darkened corner of the saloon in which he sat encased him in shadow and so the man wearing his signature black outfit complete with duster and hat, did not notice the blue eyes raking his form as he sauntered up to the bar counter and demanded a bottle. Chris Larabee plucked a coin on the counter, grabbed the bottle and turned to leave. He never saw the man in suede staring after him like a cat on the prowl.

Vin's eyes narrowed. The shot glass went to his lips and Vin downed the contents with a quick but methodical swallow. He let the burning liquid roll in his mouth, touching every corner, the taste of it filling him. He swallowed and the burn went deep into his throat, his neck muscles working as it did so. He set the glass on the felt covered table and ran the back of his tanned hand over his lips. He stood, hooking his thumb into the top of his gun belt and followed after his lover. Chris had been in a good need of loving these last few days, and Vin was just the man who could help him over this latest darkened spell that seemed to drain the gunslinger of all his will.

The child had died in Chris' arms last week and Vin had seen the turmoil erupt within his lover's eyes, spilling over into his movements, his words, or his lack of words.

Vin had gone to him that night and had eased him into the numbness that was necessary to lull one to sleep. Lovemaking, gentle, but determined and Chris had lost himself in Vin Tanner's touch and heart. The only conversation between the two of them, during the act of love was: "I need you, Vin."

"I'm here, Cowboy. Always."

And Chris had fallen into the abyss of tenderness that only Vin could provide.

Tough skin and hardened walls around two hearts and yet both managed to meld into each other's souls like two rivers meeting on their way to the ocean.

Chris still needed the grounding Vin could give him. And Vin wanted desperately to fulfill that aching need. Not with just his body...the physical connection was only symbolic of what they shared. It was when the two looked into each other's eyes...when the two dived into each other's depths of soul; this was when the grounding took hold. Chris' river was running frantic, like a flash flood churning up the waters, rolling down in a fury. It looked to be boiling, but it was so cold...freezing cold...numbing cold. It was not a safe river to cross. Vin knew that. But it needed to be crossed. Chris was drowning in that river. Vin would be his lifeline, pulling him to shore, to ground, once again.

Vin followed Chris at a distance, not sure whether his lover sensed him closing the gap or not. If so, Chris was doing nothing to deter him from his goal. If not, Chris would probably be pissed with him for following and tell him to go back to his wagon. Vin wouldn't take no for an answer, though. The depression was getting too dangerous for Vin's taste. If it was the last thing Vin Tanner did that night; it would be to ease Chris' pain. 'Have t' try,' he thought. 'Need fer him t' know he ain't alone.' It was the mission of his mind. The only focus he held dear to his heart. Chris had done and would do the same for him.

Vin entered the hotel after Chris and followed him up the stairs.

At the top of the stairs was when Chris stopped and lowered his head. "Not tonight, Vin," he whispered so as not to be overheard by any patrons occupying the surrounding rooms.

Vin cleared the steps separating them and gently placed a hand on Chris' elbow. "Too tired?"

Chris did not turn to look at him, but the lowering of the shoulders was plain to see. "Yeah," he quietly responded.

"Let me take care of ya, Cowboy. I promise. All you'll feel is rest."

At this Chris turned to the blue eyes that gazed upon him with sorrow and pain. Vin was able to feel his pain and to feel it deeply. It was that look that broke the gunslinger's resolve. It was that look that reinforced the need in his heart to feel safe that night. "Help me, Vin," he softly pled.

Vin tightened his grip on Chris' elbow. "Lean on me, Pard."

Chris put his arm around Vin's shoulders as the tracker put his arms around his lover's waist and held him close. "I've got ya, Chris. Ain't never gonna let ya fall."

Chris tightened his hold around Vin, indicating he knew that was right and true.

Vin walked steadily with Chris over to the room and opened the door. When they entered the room and when Vin had closed the door he turned to Chris who kept his hold secure. In the darkness, Vin didn't need to see Chris' face clearly to read the darkened depths he was sinking into. He felt it in the body. He had grown used to Chris' strength of will over the last few months since becoming lovers. He had felt the older man's determination and physical strength, but now there was none of that. There was weariness and sorrow and Vin drew into him all he could to help ease the burden. Vin removed his hat and Chris' and set them both on the table just to the side of the door. He pulled Chris into his arms and placed his hand to the back of Chris' head, inviting him to rest on his shoulder. Chris gave way to the invitation and drunk in Vin's strength and love. The tears still stung his eyes sometimes, especially when they were like this in the dark, hidden from the light that could reveal a man's vulnerability. But he could reveal his weakness to Vin. Had, in fact, many times over...and Vin had never betrayed him. Vin was his shelter, his wellspring of strength when he stumbled and fell, when his heart grew hard and black, when his eyes lost sight of purpose. If Vin was life giving water, Chris drank from him thirstily. If Vin was a rope to keep him from drowning, Chris reached out and grabbed on, holding on with all his might. Vin was his savior.

Chris ran his fingers up and down Vin's back, sensing the tracker's long and lean legs bracing them both to stand. Vin was holding him up and there was stamina there. "Taken too much from you, Vin," he whispered.

"Ya give it back when I need ya, Chris," Vin whispered, his tone full of sincerity.

Chris wrapped his arms around the lean frame and held tightly, pulling Vin closer to him, as close as he possibly could. God, he loved the man in his arms...and he figured he always would.

Vin took the reins and slowly walked them both to the bed. He knew there would be no need for a lantern that night. The darkness was the world at the moment. If Vin could he would have taken Chris to the desert and made love to him under the stars, allowing the blond man the freedom of the open sky to wrap around them like a blanket, but there would be time for that another night. Right now, Chris needed the grounding and Vin didn't really care where he could meet that need. When the two were together it didn't matter where anyway...all they really saw was each other.

Vin took the bottle of whiskey and opened the cork. He reached for the clean shot glass on the nightstand by the bed. "One fer right now, Cowboy, that's all you'll need."

Chris put a hand to Vin's face and there was a hint of a smile in the touch. Vin eased him onto the edge of the bed and put the glass to his lips. "Drink it slow while I take off your boots."

Chris did as he was told, but he never tore his eyes from Vin. He watched as the tracker gently pulled the boots off and set them aside. He felt Vin's hands on his legs, rubbing them up until they rested on his thighs. "Want you," he said in that low voice he only used on Vin. The inviting voice, the welcome voice, the voice that said; 'Only you belong here and no one else.'

Vin leaned forward and gently took Chris' mouth to his own, their lips brushing. It wasn't the smell of whiskey on their breaths that began to intoxicate them...it was the touch, the taste of each other. Slowly, wanting Chris to feel the calm, Vin brushed his tongue over the blond man's lips and Chris parted his own. Their tongues joined and it was easy and tender, but there was no denying the strength. Vin felt the strength of that tongue dueling with his own and he moaned. He put his hands to Chris' face and made tender circles on those gaunt cheeks, as if tracing the feel of them.

Chris let the empty shot glass fall beside him onto the floor, but it did not break. Vin let out a breath as he pulled Chris close to him. "If you were water..." Chris said and let the thought trail off.

Vin said nothing. He closed his eyes and felt Chris' breath on his neck as the gunslinger rested his face against him. The tracker's hands eased up and down Chris' back. He felt the tenseness in the muscles and gently caressed. "Was thinkin' you'd shut me out after a few days."

Chris wrapped his arms around Vin and kissed his neck. "How can I do that, tracker? You're the only reason I'm holdin' on."

"As much as I like to hear that kinda talk, Cowboy, it makes me sad, too."

"No," Chris said as he kissed Vin's neck again and again. "Don't be sad about it. It's a good thing."

"Is it?"

Chris froze. He pulled away and looked at Vin with concern. "Is it wrong to need you so bad, Vin?"

Vin smiled at him with understanding as he brushed his fingers over Chris' lips. "No, Chris. I's just concerned fer ya. What if somethin' happened t' me? How could I be sure you'd go on?"

Chris pushed Vin away and stood in anger.

Vin landed on his hands, startled just a bit by the reaction. "Chris?"

"No!" Chris spoke out, shaking his head violently. "You saw Nathan today. What for?"

This question stunned Vin. He got to his feet and looked at Chris, confused. "What?"

"You been tired a lot lately, Vin. Real tired. You went to see Nathan. What did he tell you?"

"I ain't sure I know what..."

Chris grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. "Tell me what Nathan told you!"

Vin saw the fear, the utter despair in those eyes, even in the darkness with only the rays of moonlight streaming through the window, Vin could see the fear...and he understood. "No, Chris, it ain't that. It ain't that at all. I'm fine, Cowboy. I'm just fine. Yeah, I've been tired, but that's because I ain't been sleepin' good. Been worryin' about ya all week. That's all that is, Chris. I swear." He put his hands to Chris' face and they locked eyes. "Ya ain't gettin' rid of me so soon, Chris. I promise."

Chris pulled Vin tightly to him in a swift motion that forced breath from Vin's lungs. He felt the shaking; the trembling and he heard the hitching breath. "God, Chris, I'm sorry. I didn't mean fer ya t' take my question like that. God A'mighty, if I had known how it woulda sounded t' ya, I woulda changed the words."

Chris shut his eyes and buried his face into Vin's neck. "God, Vin, you scared the shit out of me."

"I know. I'm sorry. But...it is a question I need an answer to, Chris."

"Not now, Vin. I ain't near ready to talk about that possibility right now."

"No, Cowboy, not right now. I just need fer ya t' know...I'd never leave ya."

Chris clutched him tighter, the tears stinging his eyes. "You'd tell me if somethin' were wrong with you, right?"

"I'd tell ya, Chris. I swear it."

Chris didn't let go of him, though. He held onto him tighter, unwilling to let him go.

"Ease away, Cowboy. I need t' take care of ya."

"Just by being in my arms you take care of me, tracker. Don't you know that?"

Vin said nothing in response. He held Chris close to him, understanding the need to just...hold on.

"I swear I'm fine, Chris," he whispered.

"I know. I just..."

"I know." Vin replied.

Finally, Chris pulled away, but didn't remove his arms from Vin's shoulders. "I know it's a fear we both have to deal with, Vin. I know that. But right now, for tonight, I just want to think about us. Together."

Vin smiled. "It'll keep." He eased Chris back onto the bed and began to remove his jacket. "Gonna make it all right fer ya tonight, Chris. You and me until the sun comes up."

"The sun came up when you became mine."

"I thought it was when we first met," Vin said with a teasing smile as he eased Chris out of his duster and set it on the foot of the bed. Chris began to undo the buttons on his shirt. Vin began to undo the lacing on his. "Nope," the blond man said as if he knew exactly the time and place for the sunlight in his life. "That was when the sun began to rise on my night. The orange line splitting the horizon, chasing away the gray, softening the sky to blue...like the color of your eyes. When we knew exactly what we meant to each other, that was when it reached high noon."

Vin leaned forward and grinned. "Longest damn day in history, Cowboy."

Chris grabbed his shirt and pulled him even closer. "The sun ain't never gonna go down, Vin. On either of us."

"Thought I was the poet."

"You inspire me, Tanner."

Vin smiled and the two stared into each other's eyes. The traces of moonlight filtered in and Chris could see the concern in Vin's face. "I just want to hold you in my arms, Vin. Is that all right?"

Vin kissed him gently. "Right as rain," he whispered.

Chris eased Vin out of his shirt and tossed it on top of his duster. He stood and undid his gun belt while Vin did the same with his. They laid them on the nightstand. Vin turned to Chris who stood before him. How could he love this man so deeply, so entirely? The answer seemed almost too simple. Because Chris loved him just as much. He reached up and pulled his lover's shirt from his shoulders and kissed his chest as he did so. Chris put his hands to Vin's head and ran his fingers through the sandy-colored mane, crunching it up tenderly in his fingers. The thought of never being able to do this again filled Chris with sorrow. He knew there would come a day when Vin would be taken from him, that death would finally end their pairing. The question Vin asked seared through his soul and he forced the tears back. Would he be able to go on? Would he be able to honor Vin's memory by living his life alone once more? Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is keep on living. The words he had once spoken to Mary's son, Billy, echoed in his mind. 'God, Vin, I just don't think I could be that brave without you.'

Vin ran his lips over Chris' chest and shoulders and he let the shirt fall to the floor as he wrapped his arms around that inviting torso. 'We have right now, cowboy,' he thought. 'We live in the moment.' He eased Chris back onto the edge of the bed and began to undo his pants. Chris put his hands on top of Vin's and stilled the motion. "I'd go on, Vin," he said, softly.

Vin looked at him and Chris raised his eyes to meet that look. "It'd kill me for certain to lose you. But I'd find some way to go on."

Vin knelt before him and put his fingers to Chris' lips, brushing the fullness of them. "I'm sorry, Chris. I never should have brought it up. I reckon I just saw the light fade from ya when that little boy was killed and ya didn't even know him. It was a freak thing and I see how you're dealin' with it and I just need t' know it ain't gonna be like that when I go. I'd hate fer ya to lose yourself."

"Then don't die on me, Tanner."

"I won't if you won't," Vin replied with a slight grin to his tone. "Cause it'd be just as hard fer me to be left behind."

Chris wasn't sure if this was the message Vin had been intending to relay that night, but he understood just the same. The sorrow he'd been feeling this past week, being unable to save that child from the runaway horse, watching the horror of that boy's death, had sought to rob Chris of his life. He sighed. "I'm so tired, Vin." And it wasn't just that moment he was referring to.

Vin nodded slowly. "I know."

Chris reached up and gently brushed Vin's hair from his face. "Help me rest."

Vin eased Chris onto his back and continued to undo his pants. He slowly slid them off and tossed them onto the chair by the door. He then stood and removed his own pants, flinging them on top of Chris'. Then they just gazed at each other. The glow of the moonlight cast them both in silver. Vin stood there and knew that Chris was looking at him. If a painter could have captured the moment, Vin would have sold everything he owned, even his hair, if it meant he could buy that portrait. As it was, he was looking down at Chris and his nakedness as Chris looked upon him and his. It was a moment that would live in Vin's mind for the rest of his life. An inner portrait that hung on his soul. Vin crawled onto the bed, on top of Chris and straddled him. He began to rub his hands over Chris' chest as Chris reached up and rubbed his arms. Vin braced his hands on the bed on either side of Chris' head. He leaned down and locked lips with the blond man. "Love ya, Chris."

Chris wrapped his arms around Vin's waist and he gently eased the tracker over onto his own back, keeping one arm locked around him. He brushed Vin's face, softly as he slid his leg in between his lover's. "Just knowing you're here, Vin, right now with me. Is it wrong to forget that child even for a few hours?"

"No," Vin said with a slight shake of his head. "It ain't wrong t' ease pain, Chris."

Without a word they both scooted up to stretch out on the bed, lying next to each other in a lover's embrace. Chris rested his head on Vin's chest and Vin rested his cheek on Chris' head. He wrapped himself around the muscled frame next to his and pulled him closer. He kissed the blond hair. Chris wrapped his arm around Vin's waist. "I'll hold onto you, tracker. Forever."

Vin smiled. "Close your eyes, Cowboy. Just sleep fer me."

Chris did close his eyes as he ran his hand up and down Vin's waist. "Love you too, Vin," he whispered, sleepily.

Vin said nothing more as he listened to the sound of Chris' breathing ease into the rhythm of deep sleep. The chest rose and fell slowly and steadily.

Vin closed his eyes. Chris' feet were on solid ground again. He could sleep now as well, knowing his cowboy's heart, for the moment, was at peace.

He prayed that the peace would last all night.

The End

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