Paradise Lost

by Tiffiny

"WooHoo!!!!!" Buck Wilmington's shout of joy reverbated through the offices of the ATF headquarters in beautiful downtown Denver, disturbing the absolute silence which had reigned for the past several hours as the seven agents worked frantically to get their reports finished before 5:00 pm Friday. Which was approximately seventeen minutes away.

"That noise better mean your report is on my desk sometime in the next thirty seconds, Buck." Chris's voice floated out of his office, hinting at the terrible retribution which would occur if said report was not produced as ordered.

"Not to worry, pard. I got it right here. All nice and purdy for ya." Buck yawned, stretched theatrically and ambled into their leader's office where he presented the sheaf of papers with a flourish.

"Thank you, Buck. Now go away." Chris said, without looking up from his computer. The blond agent was jabbing at his keyboard with what looked like intent to kill.

"Easy there, Chris. Nice and gentle will get you into the system a whole lot quicker than that drill and kill operation you got going." Buck frowned in disapproval at Chris's lack of finesse.

Chris slowly lifted his head, green eyes glittering. He said nothing. He just watched as Buck lifted his hands and began backing out of the office. "Now Chris... I'm sure there's nothing wrong with your technique. Just making a friendly observation. Offering a little bit of advice."

"You are extremely fortunate our illustrious leader did not find some onerous duty for you to perform this weekend in return for your unsolicited advice just now." Ezra Standish glanced up from his desk, where he was waiting impatiently for the last few pages of his report to finish printing.

"Uh uh. Not this weekend. I got plans. Big plans." Buck smiled smugly and began cracking his knuckles, something which he knew would annoy the southern agent.

Ezra attempted to ignore the nerve wracking sound, but to no avail. "JD?" he said in desperate appeal.

JD reached over and whacked Buck across the back of one hand. "Quit buggin' Ezra. Or I'll tell Lorraine all about your plans with Chrissy this weekend."

"Traitor." Buck accused his best friend in an aggrieved tone.

"Nope. Just a slave to my passions." JD grinned as he caught the candy bar that Ezra tossed him from the supply he kept in his top desk drawer. The one which remained locked at all times.

"Can you fellas pipe down over there. I would like to get home sometime before Rain has to leave." Nathan's usually calm voice was just a tad cranky. This last case had been a difficult one for all of them. They had worked nearly around the clock for the past several weeks, an agent from another team had been badly injured and, after all that, the arsonist they were pursuing had almost walked thanks to bureaucratic red tape. All in all, the seven agents were looking forward to a weekend of rest and relaxation. But they had to finish these damned reports first.

"So, me and Nathan have hot dates. And I know the kid here has plans with Casey. The rest of ya'll gonna be so lucky this weekend?" Buck was damn near impossible to quell. Or stay mad at for long.

"I'm going to be doing some work on a church downtown. It's in pretty bad shape." Josiah volunteered this information with a wide grin.

"You sound awful happy for a man who's lookin' forward to hard labour on his day off." Buck cocked a questioning eyebrow in the large man's direction.

"Well now, brother. The beautiful lady in charge of rebuilding has kindly invited me to dinner afterwards." Josiah attempted his best innocent expression.

"A man with a plan." Buck gave the big man a nod of appreciation before turning his gaze in Ezra's direction.

"Ezra?" Buck's eyes narrowed as he caught a glimpse of the southerner's face.

"My plans are of no concern..." That was the wrong tack. Ezra recognized his error almost immediately as the gazes of everyone in the room were suddenly fastened upon him.

"Very well." he muttered. "If you must know, Mother is coming into town for a visit. She's bringing her new niece by marriage with her and has volunteered my services as tour guide for the weekend." Ezra glowered as his so called friends burst into loud guffaws. Maude's "nieces" were legendary.

"Mr. Tanner? You have been a model of silence and discretion, so far. But I do believe it is your turn to share." Ezra knew how to deflect with the best of them. All was fair etc, after all.

"Yeah, Vin." The lanky young sharpshooter was now the focus of everyone's attention.

"Ain't doin' anything special." Vin tried to look busy, so that his fellow agents would leave well enough alone. Hope springs eternal.

"Ooohhhh....Vin must have a hot date that he doesn't want to share with us."

"Probably afraid of the competition."

"More likely afraid that you uncouth louts will frighten her away."

"Come on, Vin. Tell us her name. I won't let these guys embarrass you, I promise."

A slow flush crept up from the sharpshooter's collar and spread across his face at the good natured teasing of his friends.

"Told ya. Ain't got any plans." Vin was uncharacteristically sharp and the other men exchanged surprised glances at his reaction.

"Ok. Maybe you'll change your mind on Monday and tell us all about how this big nothing you have planned went." With that final word on matters, Buck turned to the other men. "Anyone know what Chris is doing?"

As the other agents shook their heads one by one, Chris came unnoticed out of his office to stand behind Buck's chair.

"He's been awful secretive lately. Even for him. Maybe he's got something going on with Mary Travis behind our backs. Or there's that cute gal from the FBI." Buck mused out loud, then nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Chris's voice.

"Chris is spending the weekend at home celebrating the fact that he gets two whole days of peace and quiet. Anything else?" The silky voice did not invite further questions.

"Nope. See ya on Monday, pard. Come on, JD. This ain't elementary school, son. Ya don't get a gold star for drawing pretty pictures on your report." Buck grabbed the document out of JD's hands and gave it to Chris as he tugged his young partner out the door.

"See you on Monday." Nathan and Josiah were hot on the duo's heels.

Ezra was next, muttering something about contracting the measles as he handed over his report. Or perhaps a severe case of the flu. They could hear him still debating the possibilities as he walked out of the office.

That left just Vin and Chris alone in the office. The ATF leader tossed the reports he still held onto the nearest desk. Then he turned and folded his arms. He regarded the sharpshooter silently for a moment.

"Vin?"

"Yeah?" The sharpshooter chewed absently on a pencil as he read over his report.

"Everyone's gone." Chris stated the obvious with exaggerated patience.

"Chris..." Vin looked up from his report. Both voice and face begged for understanding. He knew what Chris was really saying.

"Dammit, Vin. I can't keep doing this." Chris ran his fingers through his blond hair, ruffling the feathery strands. He walked around to Vin's desk and placed a gentle hand on the sharpshooter's shoulder.

"Vin." The word was half plea, half command.

"You know Buck is always forgetting something. He could walk in any time. Or Josiah, needing to..." The sharpshooter fell silent as the hand on his shoulder tightened in rebuke. But he refused to look up.

"It's not like I want to tell the world, Vin. Just our friends. Don't you think they deserve to know? Or are you ashamed of us?" Chris strove for patience, but he and Vin had been round and round on this issue too many times to count during the past four months. The sharpshooter stubbornly refused to consider telling even the other members of the team about their relationship, while Chris maintained that it was the right thing to do for everyone concerned. The fact that Vin wouldn't even consider it was starting to really bother him. Made him feel as if Vin was secretly ashamed. No matter how much the sharpshooter insisted otherwise.

"Course I ain't ashamed of ya." Vin flared up at the thought.

"Then why?"

"It's just that... You don't know how they'd react. Might make things different. Interfere with our job." Vin stumbled through his explanation, knowing the other man wouldn't understand. Chris was too confident, too sure of his place to suffer the same fears that Vin did. The fear that the first real friends he'd ever had might look at him different. Chris didn't give a damn what other people thought. Never had. Hell, he'd probably been the captain of everything in high school, had never had to sit home on a Friday night in college, and had everyone on the Denver PD clamoring to be his partner when he was a cop. Vin hadn't been captain of anything in high school. He'd moved from foster home to foster home til he was eighteen and then he'd been too busy worrying about surviving to make friends or have dates or do anything that normal people did. And then he'd gotten framed for a crime he didn't commit and shunned by all but a few people during his sojourn with the Dallas PD. And he'd worked alone for the most part in the army, so he hadn't really made friends there, either. It wasn't until he'd met up with these six men that he'd realized what he had been missing. And now Chris was asking him to risk losing it. And Vin was afraid. Afraid of the whispers. The sidelong looks. The sneers. The faint looks of disgust on the faces of his friends. He didn't want to see that. Didn't want Chris to have to see that.

"Maybe in another situation it might make a difference. But this team is mine to run as I see fit, and the way I see it, we've already proven we can work together. As for the rest of the team, they're our friends, Vin. It might take them a while to get used to the way things are with us, but they'll back us one hundred percent, anyway. And if they don't, then fuck 'em. I don't want a man like that on my team or as my friend." The calm confidence in Chris's voice caused a perverse feeling of anger to shoot through Vin. Didn't the bastard ever feel insecure? And what was the big deal anyway? Things were fine like they were. Messing with a good thing didn't lead to nothin' but trouble, in Vin's experience. "I just don't think it's anybody's business but ours." Vin tried to soften his refusal by lifting the hand on his shoulder and skating his lips lightly across the sensitive palm.

Vin felt Chris shudder as he then brushed his lips across the wrist before reaching up to pull the older agent's head down for a soul searing kiss.

Chris pulled away, breath coming in harsh gasps. "No, Vin. We have to settle this. I can't keep sneaking around. I don't want to keep lying about us."

"How are we supposed to settle something like this, Chris?" Vin choked the question out through a throat gone suddenly dry.

"I don't know, Vin." Chris sighed, looking tired. And was that a hint of despair in his face? Vin's throat constricted til he was sure he would never be able to speak another word.

"I just know I don't want to do this anymore." Chris continued a moment later. "I hate the fact that this relationship makes me so damn happy and all it does is make you...Hell I don't know. I just know it doesn't seem to make you happy the same way. That isn't what a relationship should be like, Vin."

"I...You make me happy, Chris. How could you ever think different?"

"Maybe it's the way you sometimes flinch if I touch you in public. Or maybe it's the trapped look you get on your face when I mention that maybe we should, god forbid, tell our friends about us." Vin hated it when Chris withdrew into sarcasm. Something that had been happening more and more lately.

"It ain't got anything to do with us. It's just...awww hell, Chris. Can't we talk about this some other time? Maybe things'll be different." Vin was desperate to end this conversation. He didn't like the resolute look on his lover's face.

"No. We need to settle this now. Things won't be any different tomorrow. Or six months from now. You know that." Chris's voice was quiet. With a world of pain in it.

"I...I can't." Vin felt sick. Part of his mind was screaming at him to take it back. To do whatever it took to keep Chris from walking out that door. But instead he just sat there. Silent. And watched as Chris gathered up his things and walked towards the door.

"Bye Vin. I'll see you on Monday." Chris paused, as if hoping for a response. But Vin had no response to give. He couldn't seem to move. He thought that he'd probably still be sitting at his desk come Monday morning. He hurt too much to move. He wondered if Chris hurt this bad? Probably not, or the other man wouldn't have left like he did. Wouldn't have just walked out the door like that.

Shit. Vin couldn't let this happen. There had to be some way they could work things out. He had to talk to Chris.

+ + + + + + +

The lean, long haired figure of the sharpshooter ran out of the federal building that housed ATF headquarters and headed down the street. Chris's truck had still been in the garage, although there had been no sign of its owner. But Vin was determined to find him. Maybe Chris had taken a walk to think things over. Or maybe he was at the bar around the corner that they sometimes frequented after work.

Vin was halfway down the street when he spotted the familiar tall, blond figure of his lover across the way.

"Chris!" he yelled, feeling a weight lift from his shoulders. Things would be ok. They had to be. He started across the street, oblivious to everything but Chris.

He saw Chris look back at the sound of his name and then rush out into the street to meet Vin. But why did Chris have such a strange expression on his face? Like he was deathly afraid of something? He felt the impact of the other man's body just as he became aware of the headlights and heard the sound of the oncoming car. Then the world went black and from far away he thought he heard the sound of someone screaming. But he wasn't sure if the awful sound was coming from him or from Chris. Then there was only pain. And then nothing at all.

TWO

"Keep him immobilized. Looks like an SCI."

"His blood pressure is low but holding steady."

"This one's got a broken wrist. Possible skull fracture."

The words faded in and out, as did the voices. He was aware of flashing lights and the touch of many hands. Who were these people? Where was Vin? He tried to struggle to a sitting position as he remembered the car. Remembered thinking he'd never reach Vin in time. Remembered both of them screaming. Oh God. He had to make sure Vin was ok. Why couldn't he move?

"Let me go."

"Easy there, Mister." The woman kneeling beside him spoke soothingly.

A paramedic. She had to be a paramedic. Chris forced himself to ignore the pain and concentrate.

"Need to see Vin." His voice was getting weaker. He could barely hear himself above the sound of sirens, the blare of a police radio, and the noise of people talking back and forth above him.

"Your friend is being taken care of. Now I need you to lie still. You may have some damage to the spinal cord. And the rest of you isn't in such great shape either." Her voice was sympathetic, but firm. Chris opened his mouth to protest but a wave of pain washed over him, carrying him back into the darkness along with it.

+ + + + + + +

The next time he opened his eyes it was to the sight of Buck Wilmington slouched in a chair next to his bed, fast asleep. Buck looked like he'd been dragged across a hundred miles of hard road. Chris tried to turn over, only to find that he couldn't move. Again. A sense of panic began to claw at his insides. What the hell was going on?

"Buck?" It came out as a weak whisper, but Buck's eyes flew open and a wide grin split his face.

"Chris!" Buck's shout of joy woke Ezra who was sleeping in a chair beside the room's other bed. The southern agent blinked in confusion before focusing his attention on the two men. Then a wide, uncharacteristic grin split his face, as well.

"Mr. Larabee. It is good to see that your injuries have not impaired your ability to glare ominously at us, in the slightest." Ezra had walked over to stand beside Chris's bed as he spoke.

"What injuries? Where's Vin? Why can't I move?" Chris detested the note of hysteria he could hear in his own voice, but an unreasoning sense of panic had gripped him. Everything seemed so out of his control.

"Easy there, pard." Buck unconsciously echoed the paramedic's words.

"Mr. Tanner is in the adjacent bed." Ezra glanced over at the still figure occupying the other bed, an expression of despair briefly marring his features before he schooled his face back to a semblance of happiness.

"You can't move because you had emergency surgery on your spinal cord and now they have you in some kind of traction or something, so it can heal proper." Buck was no longer smiling and he had a hard time meeting Chris's gaze as he spoke. He didn't want to be the one to say the words that caused the stunned horror in those green eyes - the fear in that pale face. But Chris deserved to hear it from one of them first.

"Vin?" Chris could barely choke the words out.

"He's in a coma. The doctors say he could come out of it at any moment or that he may..." Ezra was unable to finish the sentence.

"May never come out of it." Chris whispered the words. The pain they caused in his soul was much worse than anything he felt in his body.

"I'll go get the doctor and tell the others the news." Ezra murmured. Truth be told, he was glad for an excuse to escape the confines of the room. He didn't think he could bear to look at the pain in Chris's face another second. And Vin. Just lying there looking like he was asleep. It was eerie. He was ashamed of his feelings, but he couldn't help the deep, almost reflexive, sigh of relief that he gave after closing the door behind him.

"Where are the others?" Chris was still trying to assimilate what Buck had told him. He needed to talk to the doctor. Needed to find out if Vin was going to be ok. Then he would worry about his own injuries.

"They're out in the waiting room. Nurses would only let two of us in here at a time. Me and Ez got the short straws." Buck's attempt at humor made Chris feel like crying. Shit. If only he hadn't been so damn bullheaded. Trying to force Vin to publicly acknowledge their relationship. This was all his fault. Buck should be telling him he was a damn fool, not trying to cheer him up by making dumb jokes. Hell, if Vin wanted to sneak around til they were ninety, that would be fine with Chris. Or, if not fine, at least better than the alternative.

"I..." Chris's reply was cut short by the arrival of the doctor. He was followed by a nurse who immediately began to check the various arcane looking pieces of equipment beside the bed, leaning over to make minute adjustments to their controls. Buck reached out and gave Chris's hand a gentle squeeze before moving up to stand near the head of the bed.

"Mr. Larabee. Three days ago you and your companion were hit by a drunk driver. The lower lumbar nerves in your spinal cord were severely bruised and we performed emergency surgery in an attempt to stabilize your condition. We won't know if it was successful until some of the swelling has gone down. But between recently discovered medications and the surgery, we are hopeful that you will make at least a partial recovery. In the meantime, we have you in traction to immobilise you and allow your body the opportunity to heal." The doctor had been examining Chris as he spoke. Now he paused and took a chart from the nurse.

"I'm sure you have many questions. What would you like to ask first?" The doctor gave him an encouraging smile.

"Vin?" Chris wanted to know if Vin was going to be all right. Everything else was secondary.

"I see you are listed as his next of kin." The doctor glanced down at the chart in his hands. "I'm afraid I can't tell you much about Mr. Tanner's condition. He has a broken wrist, extensive contusions, and he suffered some head trauma when he was knocked to the pavement. He has been unconscious ever since the accident. He doesn't appear to have suffered any brain damage, but we won't really know until he wakes up." The doctor shrugged helplessly. "When or if that will occur, I can't say. I'm sorry."

"Head trauma. Coma. The words echoed in his mind. Over and over. Until they became just a meaningless jumble of sound. He stared at the doctor, wondering if this was all just some dream or hallucination. It felt like one. He wanted it to be one. Wanted to wake up with Vin's body wrapped around him, blankets pulled tight up to his chin.

"Buck?" Chris asked softly. Not wanting to believe the doctor. Wanting Buck to tell him he was dreaming.

"I'm sorry, pard." If his friend's voice sounded a bit thick, as if he spoke the words through a river of tears, Chris wasn't going to comment on it. Not when those same tears threatened to overtake him, as well. He cleared his throat and tried to think of another question.

"I might not be able to walk?" The question was hesitant. Fearful. He was so tired. He hurt. He didn't want to ask these questions. Didn't want to hear the answers. Except that it would be worse not knowing.

"We are hopeful that you will make a full recovery. The damage was not as extensive as it could have been, thanks to your fast reflexes. And Mr. Tanner wouldn't have stood a chance. He's very lucky you were there."

The doctor sighed as he looked into Chris's steady green eyes. "But yes. There is a possibility that you will not regain the use of your legs. Right now, only time will tell. For both you and Mr. Tanner."

"Thank you, Doctor." Chris's voice was mechanical, his thoughts bitter. Vin would have been a whole lot luckier if he'd never shacked up with one Chris Larabee. Right now the only thing he wanted was for Vin to wake up and smile at him. He pushed down the fear that he might be burdening Vin with a crippled lover when the sharpshooter did finally wake up. He would cross that bridge later.

"I'll be back to check on you. In the meantime, I'll send your remaining friends in to see you. Before they become permanent fixtures in our waiting room. But only for a few minutes.", He cautioned the nurse on his way out the door. The nurse merely smiled.

"I'll go get them right now." She left the room with the same brisk efficiency that she did everything else.

The sound of voices raised in excitement could be heard out in the hall. Seconds later, the remaining members of Chris's team crowded in the doorway.

"Chris?" The joy in JD's voice was a palpable thing.

"Hi, JD." Chris's tired, strained smile was the most beautiful sight the young agent had ever seen. He'd been certain that Chris was never going to wake up. Like Vin.

"Brother Chris, it's good to see you among the living."

"Anything we can get for you?" Nathan was always the practical one. The considerate one. He would have made a good doctor.

"I'm fine." They all knew it for the blatant lie it was, but everyone was too happy for the moment to challenge it.

"How's Vin?" JD asked, glancing over towards the other bed. Ezra was standing there, looking down at the sharpshooter. He'd gone over there immediately upon reentering the room, after a brief smile in Chris's direction. He had the irrational feeling that if he was just able to make Vin open his eyes, it would atone for his earlier feelings.

"You know our Mr. Tanner. Stubborn as a mule." Ezra picked up a limp hand and brushed it with gentle fingers before placing it back down on the bed.

"Who are you callin' stubborn, Ezra?" At the sound of the weak voice asking that question, everyone in the room froze. Then, a look of stark relief, coupled with an almost painful sort of joy, manifested itself on Chris Larabee's face.

"Vin."

The sharpshooter turned his head.

"Vin." Chris repeated his name, just for the sheer joy of saying it.

Puzzled blue eyes frowned at him from across the room.

"Do I know you?" he drawled.

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