Warning: Deathfic
Notes: This fic is a sequel to Lisa's The Love Letter. It was written and posted with Lisa's permission and support; I am very grateful to her for both:-) Sincere thanks are also extended to Denise for her comments and opinions on this fic.
Please note that the fic is written in 'Vin-speak'. Thus, the grammar and spelling errors are deliberate. So, please, no one send me links to a dictionary or Strunk and White online. <g>
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine and are being used without permission. I'm making absolutely no money from this.
| Reckon it's my turn to try my hand at this
letter writin', although I ain't exactly writin'. I'm usin' one of those
computer voice programs of JD's. Didn't wanna have ta worry none 'bout my
spelling and such. This way, I can jus' talk. Therapist told me I should do this, and it seems right. Like comin' full circle. Yup, I'm seein' a shrink. Chris forced me ta go. Can't believe it. Never felt so uncomfortable in my life as I did sittin' in that fella's office. Long past awkward, I'm tellin' ya. And there's jus' some things ya ain't supposed to share with strangers. Told him it was your fault I was there, but it ain't. Not Josiah's neither, he thought he was doin' right. No, I'm the one ta blame. It was my blindness, my fault. Although, it's hard not ta get angry at the rest of 'em. Turns out they all knew. Yup, everyone 'cept me knew ya was in love with me. But none of 'em ever said a word 'bout it ta me. They all figured I saw it, but I didn't. Never would have ignored it, or you, iffen I'd known. Hurts inside so bad ta think of ya comin' in the office everyday and thinkin' I could never love you, that ya weren't good 'nuff. Hell, now I know what ya meant in your letter. My heart's achin' so bad and my chest's clenchin' tight like I'm dyin'. I'm sorry. Sorry I didn't realize how ya felt. Never would have ignored it, ignored you. I want ta go back n' change it all. Let ya know that I care for ya, that hearin' your voice always made my shoulders relax, jus' havin' ya around took all the tension and misery of my day away. Ya lightened my world, Ez, gave it color with your smile and warmth with your eyes. See, ya ain't the only one who can talk all sentimental and mau… mawkish like. Had ta look that second word up after readin' your letter a couple a times. Ya never talked down ta me. Can't tell ya how much that meant. I may not have a lot a schoolin' but I ain't stupid, and ya never treated me like I was. Even when I had ta ask ya what something meant, ya never made fun a me or made a big deal outta me not knowin'. Jus' told me all casual like, so's there was nuthin' embarrassing 'bout me not understandin' in the first place. Guess I shoulda known ya loved me. No one else, not even Chris, treats me like that. The rest of the boys try, but that's jus' it. They try ta make sure I understand, makes me feel real dumb sometimes. Reckon maybe I am, after all. 'Cause I sure never was smart 'nuff ta figure out how ya felt 'bout me. Truth is, it just plain never occurred ta me that ya could love me. Like I said, I ain't stupid -most a the time- but I ain't educated either. No fancy schools, no trips ta Europe. Don't speak no other languages, 'cept a bit a Kiowa. I ain't polished. I got no idea what fork ta use when or what wine goes with fish or steak. Guess, I never gave ya 'nuff credit. Shoulda known none a that stuff meant anything ta ya. Ya never acted embarrassed or nuthin' ta be seen with me. But ya jus' seemed so far outta my reach. Never could figure out what ya might see in me. Reckon'd I was lucky ya considered me a friend. None a that matters now, though. Shit, Ez. Good thing I'm usin' JD's program else there'd be smeared ink all over the place. Would make readin' this letter awful hard. It jus' don't seem right. Now, when it's too late ta do anything 'bout it, I finally get it all worked out. You loved me as much as I loved you. Finally saw that movie. JD brought it over the other night. Jus' handed it ta me, smiled kinda soft and sad, and then left. I ain't never cried so hard in my life, not even when my ma died. I get it now, Ez. 'As you wish' ya used ta say. Well, I do. I do wish. I wish ya could hear these words. I wish there was really such a thing as only 'mostly dead'. Most of all, I wish ya had known how much I loved you. 'Cause I do, Ez. I do love you. Always have, always will. Maybe we don't get 'happily ever after' in this life, but I ain't givin' up on ya. I know if there's a way ya'll find it. Always said you were good 'nuff to con God, himself. As for me, ya told me once that ya thought I could track something ta the pearly gates if necessary. Well, I hope they're prepared, 'cause I ain't never lettin' ya go. So you wait and I'll find ya. And we'll get our happily ever after someday. |
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