Sirens filled his ears. He couldn't see a thing; he couldn't seem to open his eyes. But he could feel. He hurt. All over.He knew he was being jostled, moved, transported...
Wasn't death supposed to be a little more peaceful than this?
"Tell me! Where is he?""Sir. Please, sir. You're going to have to wait until the doctor can speak with you. Please, just have a seat."
Nathan reluctantly sat down in one of the hard, plastic chairs in the waiting room. He was getting entirely too familiar with this place. With this damn waiting room. He'd memorized every crack in the paint, every hole in the ceiling tiles. Why was he always the one waiting? Why was he the lucky one who never ended up behind those double doors?
Did he really love his friends that much that he would trade for all their pain and suffering? That he would trade places with them to spare them anymore?
Yeah. He did.
"What's yer name, boy?" Buck asked politely as he shoved the young man up against the wall of the ER's waiting room."Z-zack. Now lemme go!"
But Buck did not release the firm grip on his shirt. "What the hell happened?"
"It's all his fault! That hunka junk he drives—"
"What happened?" Buck insisted through gritted teeth.
"We were coming home from Colorado Springs. He ... he fell asleep at the wheel," Zack explained, though it didn't make much sense to Buck.
"What the hell were ya doin' in Colorado Springs?"
"What business is it of yours?" Zack asked defiantly, only to be shoved once more against the wall.
"Vin's my friend. That makes it my business."
"Let me go!" Zack demanded again, but Buck held firm, insisting on an answer. "If you were really his friend, you'd know," the young man spat.
"Mr. Wilmington," Ezra interrupted, placing a firm hand on his co-worker's shoulder. "If I may...?" Buck reluctantly released the young man into Ezra's care. "Now, um, Zachary, was it?"
Leery, the young man nodded as Ezra gently smoothed out the fabric Buck had so rudely wrinkled.
"If you'd be so kind, please enlighten us as to the reasons for your travels."
"We, ah ... we just went down for the weekend. To, ah ... hang out."
"Hang out, did you say?" Ezra asked, his well-groomed manners barely concealing his impatience. "To what end?"
"To have some fun. Can I go now?"
"'May I go now?' and, no, you may not." Ezra had had enough of this. He placed his hand against the wall, next to Zack's head and leaned in close. "We would like to know the chain of events which led up to our friend lying here in the Emergency Room, if you wouldn't mind."
"We just went away for the weekend. We've been dating for a while now and just wanted to get away — hang out by the pool, that sort of thing."
"Da-dating?" Ezra was so stunned by the word; he couldn't even keep his jaw from hitting the floor. "You and Mi-m-mister Tanner?"
"Yeah," Zack seemed confused by Ezra's shock. He shrugged before continuing. "We stayed up pretty late last night — if you know what I mean — and this morning, on the drive back, Vin looked tired, but he said he was fine. I don't like that piece of crap Jeep anyway, so I just let him keep driving. I guess he fell asleep. The next thing I know, that damn Jeep's doing somersaults down the freeway embankment. I can't believe all I got were a few bruises."
"Yes, you are the lucky one, Zachary." Ezra said the name with utter contempt. "And what did the medical staff tell you about Mr. Tanner's present condition?"
The young man shrugged. "I forgot to ask."
Buck rushed at Zack now, pushing Ezra out of the way as he shoved the young man once more against the wall. He was shaking with fury. "You're ... dating him and ya didn't ask how he's doin'?! Ya little piece of shit! Get yer sorry ass outta here!" Buck grabbed Zack by the shirt and shoved him toward the exit. "And don't ya EVER come near Vin again!"
"Very well said, Mr. Wilmington," Ezra complimented his co-worker as the sliding glass of the door closed, separating them from Vin's now-former lover.
"I don't get it, Josiah," JD finally began, having held it all inside for what seemed like an eternity, though it had only been a few moments. "What'd he mean about Vin?"Josiah raised his shoulders — it was a shrug, but a knowing one — as if they could carry the weight of the world.
"He said they were dating. Like me and Casey?"
Now Josiah nodded, though slowly.
JD made a sour face. "That don't seem right."
"No. No, it doesn't, JD."
"How could Vin do that? He— he's so nice."
"I know. It doesn't seem likely, but ... it appears to be true."
"And that guy seemed like such a jerk. Vin could do way better than that!"
Josiah now raised his eyebrows. "You think so?"
"Sure! Easily! Hell, there have to be a ton of guys nicer than that creep in this city. What'd Vin see in him anyway?"
"I can't rightly say, JD," Josiah smiled at his young friend, so wise in his innocence.
The kid shook his head. "It had to be great sex. What else could it be?"
Chris sat in the corner, apart from the others. He both saw and heard Buck and Ezra's exchange with Zack, though it wasn't news to him. He knew. He'd known for a while. A long while.He'd seen Vin once before, months ago, at a restaurant downtown, holding hands with a man — not Zack. Chris was shocked at first by the revelation, angry that Vin had never said anything. Then he understood: Vin was a private man, and this was a subject many people were uncomfortable with. Though, Chris was still disappointed; Vin was the closest friend he'd had since Sarah died, and he hoped that someday Vin would feel comfortable confiding in him, trusting him with this knowledge.
He had watched for a few moments, staring at the couple as they smiled at one another. Then he'd seen Vin accidentally drop his fork on the floor. When he bent to pick it up, his dinner companion nodded at one of the waiters — not to get Vin another fork, but to wink and run his tongue over his lips at the attractive employee. Just as Vin was regaining his seat, the waiter casually walked past the table and Chris saw him slip a note to the man — undoubtedly his phone number. A moment later, the man was smiling at Vin again, holding his hand across the table.
Chris had turned away then, not wanting to see anymore. He'd canceled his dinner reservation and left the restaurant with Mary Travis in tow.
After that, he'd overheard Vin on the phone a few times. Making what sounded like plans for after work or over the weekend. He noticed Vin missing more and more barbecues out at the ranch, leaving early from their weekly Friday-night get-togethers at The Saloon, taking lunches without the other fellas.
What he didn't notice was a happy Vin. Chris knew JD before he met Casey and when those two started going out, there was a profound change in the young man's disposition. You could see it in his eyes that he was in love. The same went for Nathan and Rain. And when Ezra met Li Pong.
Chris never saw that look in Vin's eyes. Never once. He only saw a sadness that tore at his heart. A loneliness that had never been as pronounced before.
And his self-esteem ... it had been growing since he'd joined the team, as he'd grown comfortable with his place among the other six men, as his skills were proven not only valuable but also necessary. But now, lately, it had been waning. His job performance was still more than adequate, but you could see it in his body language, the need to be reminded that he was wanted, needed, that he'd done well in his assignments. He needed reassurances that he hadn't needed since his first days on the job.
Chris just didn't know why Vin was doing this to himself: dating these guys who were obviously not making him happy, not making him feel special, important. Vin deserved so much better. He deserved someone who would treat him right. Who would appreciate him and love him, just the way he was, and who would encourage him to do whatever it was he wanted to do with the rest of his life, to help him achieve everything he desired.
It was like he had said to Sarah in his wedding vows: "...You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to improve, to strive, to become all that you see is in me. I will live my life loving you, each day trying to be the man you deserve...."
Chris wanted that for Vin. He wanted Vin to find someone who would make him feel the way Sarah had made him feel. He couldn't think of anyone who deserved it more. If only it was in his power to give it to him.
A few minutes later, Mary sat down beside him. She'd been up speaking with the ER receptionist, trying to do what his highly trained, yet intimidating ATF team had been unable to accomplish: garnish some information. And Mary hadn't worked her way up through the ranks at the Denver Post by not being a good reporter! She knew her job and she knew how to coax information out of the most stubborn, tight-lipped sources.
"They say he's going to be fine," she told Chris, quietly enough so that the other five men wouldn't hear her. "He has a concussion, so they're going to keep him here overnight for observation. He's just waiting to be assigned a room upstairs."
He nodded, though still not sure why she wasn't telling the rest of Vin's friends the good news. Chris knew they must have been thinking the worst, just as he had.
"He can have one visitor before they take him upstairs, but only for a few minutes. I think it should be you, Chris." Mary grasped his hand in both of hers and held it close to her chest. "He needs you. You know he does. And you need him."
Chris frowned at Mary. They'd been good friends ever since he'd come to work at the ATF, under her father-in-law, Assistant Director Orin Travis. Sometimes she knew him better than he knew himself. Like Buck, she saw things to which Chris was oblivious. What was she seeing now?
"It's okay, Chris," she said with a tender hand on his arm. "Just go to him. Talk to him. Tell him you know. Tell him you're okay with it. Tell him the truth."
"The truth? And what exactly would that be, Mary?"
"I've seen it in your eyes, Chris. You can't hide it from me. I've known you too long now. Go home tonight and look at those pictures you still have on your mantle, those photos of you and Sarah. Look at her eyes, then go stare at yourself in the mirror."
Again Chris frowned. He didn't know what she was getting at. Or maybe he was just afraid to admit that he did know.
"You look at Vin like Sarah looked at you. She would have liked him, Chris. I'm sure of it."
Chris stood up then, not knowing what to say to Mary. Not sure he wanted to see Vin after what she'd said, but he found his feet carrying him toward the doors that led into the ER. As he followed the nurse through them, he heard Mary back in the waiting room beginning to tell the boys what she had found out about Vin's condition.
"How's Zack?" were Vin's first words when Chris entered the room."Fine."
"Reckon I fell asleep, huh?"
Chris shrugged, but then nodded. "Looks that way."
"I was so tired ... I asked Zack ta drive fer a while, but he doesn't like the Jeep—"
"You asked him?"
"Yeah. But he said I looked fine and ta stop complainin'. Guess I shoulda just pulled off the road anyways, huh?"
"Vin, Buck and Ezra got a hold of Zack. He won't be coming back."
Vin just nodded, though it caused his head to ache. He couldn't really say that he wanted Zack after this. It wasn't the first selfish thing the guy had done that weekend, and the weekend had been a fairly typical one. Why did life have to suck this much?
He then turned his head to look at Chris, and pain briefly exploded behind his eyes. Why did life have to hurt this much?
Chris sat down in a chair he pulled up close to the bed. He leaned on the metal side railing, staring at Vin — staring deep into his eyes. Vin stared back for a moment, only briefly meeting the fiery green orbs before hanging his head.
"I'm sorry, Chris. I shoulda told ya. 'Bout me. 'Bout me and Zack."
"It's okay, Vin. Your private life is your own, if that's how you want it. I'm not here to judge you. I'm your friend. Still am. Nothing's changed."
"Really? Ya mean, ya don't care?"
"Sure I care. I told you, I'm your friend." Chris took Vin's hand then and gave it a squeeze. "I just want what's best for you. Whatever'll make you happy."
Vin smiled, though it was an effort.
"Are you happy, Vin?"
Vin thought for a few minutes. He hurt, though the doctors had told him he hadn't broken anything or done any serious damage. Zack was gone. But Chris was here by his side, staring at him, smiling, holding his hand.
"Yeah, reckon I am."
~ fade ~
May 2001Please do NOT repost this story anywhere outside of the Blackraptor Fiction Website.
Characters from "The Magnificent Seven," were used without permission and this story in no way signifies support of, or affiliation with, The Mirisch Group, MGM, Trilogy Entertainment, or CBS Worldwide, Inc. The M7-ATF universe was created by Mog, and extra thanks go to her for allowing other people to play within it. The story itself and any non-Magnificent Seven characters belong to the author. This story will not be sold for any reason.
Thanks to my beta reader for all of her help and encouragement!