FUCK!This is all my fault! Vin screamed silently to himself as he paced across the waiting room floor.
FUCK!
Chris was inside the ER with a gaping bullet wound.
FUCK!
He'd ignored his instincts and now Chris was paying the price.
FUCK!
"He's gonna be okay, Vin," the team medic said, putting what was supposed to be a comforting hand on the sharpshooter's shoulder. Vin twisted away from him and kept pacing.
"Ya don't know that, Nate. Ya can't know that."
"He's got faith, son," Josiah added from his seat on the bench under the high, frosted windows. "Sometimes that's all we've got. Sometimes it's all we need."
"I need fer him ta be okay," Vin spat in anger, pointing toward the doors that led back into the trauma rooms, the doors they had all been barred from entering. Next of kin only.
Fuck!
"Whoa there, junior," Buck added, feeling it was his turn to ante up. "We're all worried. No need ta go an' take it out on each other."
"Ya don't get it, Buck. He's in there 'cuz of me."
Fuck! If only he'd trusted his instincts. If only he hadn't broken position. If only he'd been in his perch covering Chris like he was supposed to be.
"That statement is erroneous, Mr. Tanner, and you know it," Ezra corrected him. "This wasn't anyone's fault except the miscreant who shot him!"
"I coulda nailed that bastard, Ezra. But I broke position. I coulda shot that guy 'fore he shot Chris. 'Fore he coulda raised and cocked his damn gun."
Fuck!
"Vin, you were just following orders like the rest of us," JD was the last to voice his opinion on the matter. "Chris told you to come down and join us — I heard him."
"The kid's right, Vin," Buck said softly. "It was Chris's call. Chris's ... mistake."
"No. It was mine. I'm there ta cover ya guys, so what good am I ta anybody if I can't even do that?!"
Fuck!
Vin turned then, stalking off. He just had to get out of there. He couldn't stand for them all to be saying one thing — about it not being his fault — and thinking another — that he'd let Chris down.
He'd let them all down.
He practically ran off down the corridor, praying no one was following him. Praying they were so disappointed in him that they'd just let him go. Because he couldn't stand them dragging him back, again to say things that he knew weren't true.
Fuck!
He nearly got Chris killed. And he let the asshole who'd shot him get away.
Fuck!
Vin finally found himself on the far side of the hospital, before he bothered to stop running, before he stopped to check over his shoulder. The corridor behind him was empty.
They were disappointed in him, after all, and they were finally admitting it.
Fuck, Vin sighed as he sank down into a chair in what turned out to be the cafeteria.
He didn't know how long he'd sat there, his mind numb from the number of times he'd played over the scene in his head — how it had gone down and then how it should have gone down. How it should have been the asshole lying in the ER instead of Chris.
"You okay, buddy?"
Vin looked up to see a man about his own age in green surgical scrubs. Vin nodded his usual, "I'm fine."
The young man sat down across from him. He set down a tray with a plate of toast, a banana, and a cup of coffee. "You here visiting someone?"
Vin nodded, not that he wanted to talk about this. Not to the other members of his team, and certainly not to some stranger.
"I work here, but I suppose you guessed that," the man said, indicating the clothes he wore. Vin knew this was his cue to politely smile, but he couldn't.
"It's just so damn frustrating ta know ya coulda helped and ya didn't," Vin told himself with a harsh sigh.
"I know what you mean," the man replied and Vin looked up at him in startled surprise.
"Did I say that out loud?"
The young man in the scrubs nodded, then gave a half-quirk of a smile. "Sure did. Didn't you mean to?"
Vin shook his head.
"Well, I know what you mean anyway. I was a PA — Physician's Assistant — in Vancouver, but that means squat here. I have to repeat nearly half the courses in a U.S. school before they'll let me do what I already know how to do."
"So, if they won't let you be a PA, why are ya wearin' scrubs?"
The man smiled sadly. "I'm an orderly. But, at least the doctors know who I am, so that'll help me once I get all my course work complete; it'll make getting my internships much easier. And I wanna work here: it's the best hospital in Denver."
Vin just nodded. They'd put a revolving door on the ER entrance just to accommodate him and his ATF teammates, or so it seemed. They'd all been in here at one time or another — some wounds worse than others — but never for wounds caused by slack on the part of other agents, agents you depended on to watch your back. Not until today.
Fuck!
From his perch on the catwalk above the warehouse floor, he would have had a clear view of the perp. He would have seen the guy coming. Chris never did. Not from where he was standing.
"—sure you don't want it?"
Vin blinked. The man across from him had been talking, but Vin only caught the last few words. He looked down at what the man was holding in front of him, in his outstretched hand. A banana. Then Vin knew: the orderly was offering the fruit to him.
Vin shook his head. The man shrugged and began unpeeling the banana. Suddenly, Vin was transfixed by the movements, the sharp crack as the stem was broken, then the slow length-wise peeling of the bright, yellow skin, only halfway down before another section was started, and finally a third. The man slowly pulled the skin away from the cream-colored flesh of the fruit.
Vin ran his tongue quickly over his dry, lower lip.
The man then raised the fruit to his mouth, but paused before he took a bite. "You know, frustration is never a good thing," he said, using the naked banana to point in Vin's general direction. "You have to do something to relieve the tension that can create."
Vin nodded, this time running just the tip of his tongue over his upper lip.
"You ever try yoga?"
Vin nodded. Yeah, he loved yogurt.... Bananas dipped in yogurt.... Licking off the cool, tart cream....
"Incredibly relaxing, isn't it?"
Vin nodded again and then nearly groaned when finally the man inserted the banana into his mouth and gently bit off the tip. Vin's quiet breath started coming faster, quicker. Yeah, frustration sucks.
"Hey, I'm actually on my dinner break. If you would like, we could do some for the next" — he checked the watch on his wrist — "twenty minutes."
Do it. Yeah, Vin thought. Twenty minutes. Plenty of time. "Yeah, let's do it," he finally said.
The man chugged the last of his coffee, then stood to leave. "There's this place I use sometimes — it's a waiting area, but usually no one's there."
Vin just followed the man. A waiting area. Usually no one was there. That wouldn't do at all. "Ya know of a more ... private place?" Vin asked as they stepped into the elevator just outside the cafeteria.
The man turned to him then and their eyes locked. "Private, eh?"
Vin started to shrug, but then nodded. He hoped the man understood what he was getting at. He wasn't sure this guy was gay. He still had a difficult time telling. He only knew he wanted this man, right now.
"Real private? So we won't be interrupted?" the orderly asked, and Vin nodded shyly again, hoping he wasn't about to get decked by a straight guy.
The man's hand then hesitated on the floor-selection panel. Vin licked his lips again, almost unconsciously, like it was just a nervous habit. But his new friend smiled. He finally pushed one of the floor buttons and the elevator doors closed.
Vin was leaning against the back railing and the man joined him there, allowing his shoulder to brush up against Vin's as the slow elevator car continued its ascent.
"Name's Noah, by the way."
"Vin. It's, ah, nice ta meet ya."
"You, too," Noah said, as he brushed his little finger against Vin's on the railing. He had understood and Vin's stomach clenched with nervous anticipation.
On the sixth floor, they exited and made their way down the hall. They passed a nurses' station, but the woman there didn't even look up. It must be the late hour, Vin thought. Even the lights in the corridor were on low wattage. At the end of the hall, Noah made a right turn and Vin followed. About halfway down, on the left, they entered a small room.
It was an exam room from the looks of it, though the lights were off and the only illumination was the moonlight streaming in through the partially curtained window. Noah walked over and threw the curtains wide, then checked briefly outside. Over the man's shoulder, Vin could see there were no other buildings, no structures that overlooked this room. Even with the window open, there was no one outside who could look in.
Noah then moved back to the exam table. He pulled the curtain on the track surrounding it until it blocked their view of the door. There was no way to lock the door, so, even though they had privacy, they were still taking their chances that no one would just walk in on them.
Vin then leaned in and kissed the man. He usually wasn't this forward, usually waiting for the other guy to make the first move. But, hell, he'd been the one to proposition this guy, even though he hadn't actually said the words, "So, you wanna fuck?"
Noah broke the kiss after a few long minutes. He motioned to the exam table and Vin hopped up. The guy had something in mind; Vin wasn't sure what, but he was certainly open to suggestions.
"Have you been tested?" the former Physician's Assistant asked.
Vin nodded. He'd unfortunately — stupidly — gotten himself in a few positions which made being tested a necessity. "Negative." Thank God for that, Vin thought.
"Me, too," Noah assured him. "Do you have a condom?"
This man wasn't taking any chances. Vin smiled at the man's caution and consideration. Then he nodded and pulled a small packet from his pocket — he'd gotten caught too many times with his pants down and no condom. He'd taken to carrying one around, just in case.
Noah took it from him, placing the corner of the package between his teeth. Then he placed a gentle hand on Vin's shoulder, indicating he should lie back on the exam table. Vin had never played doctor before. He found it rather exciting.
The man then undid the button on Vin's jeans and slowly pulled down the zipper. He slipped his hands inside and Vin found them pleasantly cool against the warm cotton of his briefs. Vin lifted his hips a bit then, and scooted the fabric of his pants down, out of the way. Noah helped pulled down the briefs.
Vin suddenly felt self-conscious — he was lying on an exam table with nothing exposed except his privates. And Noah was just standing there next to him, completely clothed in his scrubs. Vin reached over and tugged Noah's undershirt free of his waistband, then slipped his hand underneath to caress the skin of his stomach and back.
Noah didn't seem to mind. He then tore open the condom pack and removed the disk of latex. "Have you ever had someone put one of these on for you?" he asked with the most serious look on his face.
Vin shook his head — he'd always done the deed himself — though, he'd put condoms on other guys. Vin wondered what it would feel like to have another man's fingers unrolling the latex sheath over him.
Noah then took Vin's cock firmly in his hand, but he did not place the condom on it. Instead, to Vin's surprise, he popped the disk into his mouth. Then he bent low and applied his mouth to the tip of Vin's hot, aching cock, unrolling the condom with his lips and tongue as he took more and more of Vin into his mouth.
FUCK!!
It was the most incredible sensation Vin had ever felt! And it caused an immediate, intense tingling in his loins.
Once he was sheathed to his balls, Noah slowly drew back, releasing Vin's cock, though he plied his tongue to the organ during the entire journey. He then looked over at Vin and smiled. "Strawberry. What a nice surprise."
Vin had forgotten he'd bought some flavored condoms. He'd just grabbed something out of the nightstand drawer the last time he'd changed his pants. He hadn't even gotten to use them himself yet, but it was nice to know the flavor was pleasant.
Noah then bent low again, taking Vin back into his mouth, moving slowly up and down his shaft. With his hand, he circled two fingers around the base, squeezing just slightly to hold the condom firmly in place, then wrapped his other fingers around Vin's balls.
Vin placed his hand on Noah's back again, running it up and down over the surgical greens, finally slipping down to caress the man's firm ass. He couldn't believe this guy was catering to him. He was a complete stranger and that usually meant Vin was the one doing all the work — he was the one with the cock shoved in his mouth, he was the one with the hard dick stuck too soon up his ass.
Vin moaned, though he tried to keep his voice quiet.
This guy was fucking incredible!
Noah was applying just the right amount of pressure to his shaft, licking him in just the right places and for just the right amount of time. Even through the latex of the condom, Vin had no difficulty feeling everything this man was doing to him.
But, with a small pang of sadness that briefly clenched at this heart, Vin couldn't help wishing it was someone else doing it to him.
But he was brought quickly back to the moment when Noah placed his fingers on Vin's balls and began to kneaded, caressed, squeezed and teased them, slipping every so often down behind, to press against the smooth spot of skin there. Noah's other hand found its way beneath Vin's shirt and he was now fondling a hardening nipple.
Vin squirmed beneath the man's skilled hands, wondering what it would be like for Chris to touch him like this.
He placed his own hand in Noah's hair, running it through the thick, silky locks. Vin was careful not to let himself get too carried away. He hated it when guys grabbed his hair or his ears and began pumping him up and down their shaft, like Vin didn't know what the hell he was doing! He hated having the rhythm forced onto him when a simple verbal direction or gentle touch of the hand would have been more than sufficient. He wouldn't do that to Noah.
"A little faster," he finally requested and Noah eagerly complied. Vin moaned again, but the sound caught in his throat. He swallowed, then managed, "A ... little ... more!"
His breaths were now coming in halting gasps. He closed his eyes tight and the visage of Chris came readily to mind. Vin inhaled, and then held his breath until both his lungs and his cock ached. He exhaled quickly, and then sucked in another lungful of air that he again held — this time his cock quivered long before his lungs began to burn. If only Chris were doing this to him!
He repeated the process until, finally, his cock seemed to explode — hot seed shot into the condom deep inside Noah's mouth. Noah tightened his grip around the base of Vin's shaft, as he kept moving up and down the hot tissue, using his lips to milk every last drop of jizz from him.
Tears were now streaming down Vin's face. Oh, fuck! He wanted Chris so badly....
Vin hoped the sweat collecting on his brow would hide his tears from Noah; he didn't need this man knowing he'd been fantasizing about someone else. He didn't want to hurt Noah that way. Not after what he had just so unselfishly done. It wasn't fair that Vin's mind was on another man.
Just when Vin felt like he was starting to catch his breath, Noah's mouth came down on his. He tasted strawberry as the man swirled his tongue over Vin's.
When Vin was ready, he stood up and Noah slipped the condom from his now flaccid cock. He disposed of it in the bio-medical hazards container beneath the sink.
Vin then hung his head as Noah turned back to him. "I don't have another condom," he admitted, feeling very selfish, yet again, that they'd used his only one on him.
Noah placed a gentle hand on Vin's chin, encouraging him to look up. "That's okay, I don't have another twenty minutes," he reminded Vin of the time constraints of his dinner break. "Maybe another time."
Vin nodded. He liked this guy and was happily surprised to find a considerate, selfless gay-man in this city. Vin knew there must be others, but he had yet to run into any of them.
As Vin began doing up his pants, Noah asked, "Would you tell me about him?" Vin looked up and furrowed his brows. He knew. "The guy you're here visiting: he's sick, eh?"
Vin shook his head. "On the job injury."
"You're in love with him, aren't you?"
Vin's brows now shot upward in surprise. He was. How'd this guy know?
"He's hurt bad and you never told him how you feel. You should go tell him now."
"I can't."
"Why?"
Vin knew why, but that's not the reason he gave Noah. "He's in the ER, they won't let anyone but kin in to see him."
"I can get you in."
Vin looked over at Noah again. This man had just blown him and now he was offering to take him to see another guy. Vin couldn't believe it. This was the selflessness you hoped to see in health care professionals but so rarely did — and they were forcing him to be an orderly!
"Come on," Noah said, leading Vin from the room and back down the long corridor to the elevator. They passed the nurses' desk again, and again the woman ignored them.
"I can't," Vin finally admitted. "He doesn't know I'm.... And he's not...."
"Wow. No wonder you've got so much pent-up frustration. You're in love with a straight guy at the office." Noah put a firm hand on Vin's shoulder. "I'll get you in anyway. At least you can let him know you're sorry he's hurt."
Vin nodded. "But I'm the reason he's hurt."
"What did you do? Leave a filing-cabinet drawer open for him to trip over?" Noah asked.
If only. But he didn't know how to explain this to Noah without getting into the whole ATF thing. He'd learned it was best to leave the ATF out of his personal dealings, and, since he'd changed out of his bloodied BDUs and into his civilian clothes, Noah had no idea what his profession was. Vin decided that was for the best.
"Naw, I, ah ... I coulda prevented the accident."
"Why didn't you?"
"He had me leave my, ah, my desk, but if I'd just stayed there...."
Noah shook his head. "So you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. So you'd do it differently if you had it to do all over again. That doesn't make it your fault, Vin. And if your friend didn't die, then you've got all the time in the world for that second chance. You never know how things are going to turn out."
Vin looked over at Noah and gave him a half smile as he nodded his head.
Fuck!
This guy was Heaven sent but all he could think about was being with Chris, being with a man he could never have.
A few minutes later, Noah was leading him down the hallway inside the ER. Noah was casually checking the charts outside the doors as Vin was scanning through the windows. Finally they found him. Noah looked up and down the hall before allowing Vin inside. "Don't stay too long," he quietly reminded Vin.
"Thanks," Vin said. "For everything."
Noah nodded and smiled, then turned back in the direction they'd come from.
Vin slowly walked to the hospital bed where Chris was lying. He pulled over a stool and sat down. The man was sleeping and Vin didn't want to wake him, so he very gently slipped one hand beneath Chris's, then moved his other up to the man's cheek — it felt warm and soft against his skin.
Fuck!
He wanted Chris so badly. More now, after the accident, after almost losing him forever. But how could he tell him that without driving him away? No straight guy ever felt comfortable being hit on by a gay man and it would change everything between them.
Then, suddenly, Vin felt Chris stir. The man tightened his hand around Vin's, and then pulled it up to his lips, pressing it against them. The action, the feeling, took Vin's breath away. It couldn't possibly mean what he deep in his heart wished it to mean.
Wanting don't make it true, he reminded himself.
"You hurt?" Chris asked.
"Me? No. Yer the one in the hospital bed."
Chris nodded.
"I'm sorry I broke my position, that I wasn't there ta cover ya." Vin wanted to hang his head, but he couldn't tear his eyes from his team leader.
Chris shook his head. He was still groggy and his speech was a little slurred, but Vin could still make out his words: "I ordered you down.... For once, you did as you were told...."
"Yeah, I sure picked the wrong time ta follow orders," Vin scoffed. His gut had told him to stay, yet he'd left anyway. Fuck! And now Chris was here.
But Chris shook his head again. "I saw the guy's gun muzzle...." Chris's breathing was labored, his words slow in coming. "I couldn't get a shot at him.... I knew he was aiming at you...."
What? Vin couldn't believe what Chris was telling him.
"I ordered you down ... out of his line of fire."
"Chris! Ya shouldn'ta done that. That guy almost killed ya!"
Again Chris shook his head. "Just a flesh wound.... But he would have killed you." Chris's eyes slipped closed again, like the effort to speak had sapped all his energy.
Vin brought the man's hand now to his own lips and pressed a firm kiss against it. Chris's eyes fluttered open again. He smiled weakly.
"Chris, I gotta tell ya somethin'," Vin finally said. He'd made up his mind. He couldn't live like this anymore. Noah was wrong. In their line of work he didn't have all the time in the world for a second chance. Hell, he may not ever have another chance to tell Chris. It had to be now.
"Chris, I—"
"What are you doing in here?!" the nurse interrupted as she stormed into the room. "I know you're not family. How'd you get in here?" She grabbed Vin by the arm, as if he were a ten-year-old boy. "I could have you arrested for being back here without permission." She dragged him from the room, tearing his hand from Chris's.
"No. Wait. Please. I just need another minute," he begged the nurse, but she ignored him. "Chris!" he finally said as the door to the man's room swung shut behind him. He then struggled in the nurse's grip, but this small slip of a woman was as strong as Josiah in a bad mood.
At the end of the hall was a security guard. Vin eyed him up and down. He knew he could take the guy. He could run back to Chris's room and ... and ... what? Profess his love?
Fuck!
What had he been thinking? Chris would have him hauled off to the psych ward! He'd kick him off the team. Expel him from his life. His second chance would be his last. He'd tell Chris and then he'd lose him. What had he been thinking?
Fuck!
Vin hung his head and allowed the security guard to escort him from the ER and back to the lobby. He was given a firm warning not to attempt to reenter the ward without permission. Vin agreed. It didn't matter anymore.
Suddenly, he was surround by his teammates. "Vin!" "What were you doing in there?" "How'd you get inside?" "Did you see Chris?" "How's he doing?"
Vin just nodded, then pushed past his friends to sit down on the bench under the windows. "I saw him. He said it's just a flesh wound. Guess that means he's gonna be okay," was all Vin could manage. His friends kept prodding him for more, but he was no longer listening.
All he could think about were those few minutes alone with Chris.
Their hands entwined. The warmth he'd felt against his cheek. Chris's warm lips against his skin. The man had risked his life to save Vin's, when Vin gladly would have given up his own to spare Chris the pain he was now suffering.
How could he ever cause this man any more suffering? And confessing his love would do just that. No. He wouldn't hurt Chris that way. He wouldn't ever tell him how much he longed for him. How much he loved him.
Fuck
~ fade ~
April 2001Please do NOT repost this story anywhere outside of the Blackraptor Fiction Website.
Characters from "The Magnificent Seven," were used without permission and this story in no way signifies support of, or affiliation with, The Mirisch Group, MGM, Trilogy Entertainment, or CBS Worldwide, Inc. The M7-ATF universe was created by Mog, and extra thanks go to her for allowing other people to play within it. The story itself and any non-Magnificent Seven characters belong to the author. This story will not be sold for any reason.
Thanks to my beta reader for all of her help and encouragement!