Risk

by Gwendolen

Summary: At night, Chris is watching Vin and thinking about his feelings for the tracker Thanks go to Judy for constant support, encoragment and beta-help, and for enduring my constant babbeling. And to Sigiae for wonderful beta :-) Feedback: Always welcome :-)

Reckon I have to steal moments like this. I so rarely get a chance to watch you sleep. When we're together I'm the one who falls asleep first, and when I wake up in the morning you're usually already gone. But when we're on the trail and have to make camp, you trust me - trust us - enough to guard you, so you sleep soundly. And I can spend a few moments watching you. Not too long, cause you have that spooky way of knowing when someone watches you for too long. I have to steal what moments I can.

The others are sound asleep and everything is quiet. Only the usual sounds of the night breaking the silence - the howl of a coyote in the distance, mice stirring. Nothing to worry about.

I take a look around the camp. Josiah is snoring, so is Buck. Ezra stirs slightly when I move past him and I notice the glint of his eyes when he looks at me. On the trail he's far more sharp than we give him credit for. He keeps his guns close and sleeps lightly, never missing much. Not so much the dapper dandy he'd have us believe.

I motion to him that everything is alright and watch him relax before I move on to where you are, head pillowed on your saddle. Like Ezra, you have your mare's leg handy to react to the slightest threat.

It's your watch now so I should wake you up, but I pause and use these few moments to look at you. Again I feel that tight, cold fist deep in my chest that makes it hard to breath, and I know what's happening. I felt the same when I met Sarah, shy and scared and elated at the same time. I loved watching her sleep, and I love watching you. Makes me feel all tender and I want to bend down to press a kiss on your temple to wake you up just like I woke her up so often.

The feeling scares me. When Sarah and Adam were killed I wanted to die but I didn't. I swore to never love again; it was easier that way. Until I met you. The connection was there right from the start. That should have warned me but I ignored it, too comfortable with you and the ease between us to pay attention. Now, it's too late.

I know you feel the same. I can sense it, feel it in the way you look at me. You're as scared as me, Vin, maybe even more so. But you're also braver than me, willing to take the risks where I still hesitate.

The sex is easy, and I can't deny that I enjoy it, but love.God, Vin, what would I do if something happened to you? I can't go through that again. And your life is far more at risk than hers ever was. All it would take is a bullet from a drunken cowpoke or a bounty hunter.

How can I risk this, Vin? How can you?

I look at you again and notice that you're awake and watching me. In that moment it hits me. How can't I?

I don't even try to fight my smile, and see the answering glint in your eyes. No need to say it, you already know. I have to take the risk.

"Your watch, pard," I say to you. This is not the right time or place for more. That will come later when we're alone and have time.

~ end ~

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