A Guilty Heart
- 1 -'Hold up, now steady there JD.' Buck caught the bottle of whiskey that the youngster was attempting to set on the table - about six inches beyond the edge of its top.
JD waggled a finger at him. 'Now, Buck. We said we was gonna get roostered an' thash what I'm doin'.'
'You're already there, kid.' Buck knocked back another shot, knowing the alcohol would hit him hard when he got outside. He wasn't in much better shape than his apprentice: he'd just had a lot more practice holding it.
JD swallowed the half-shot he'd managed to get into the glass, looked uncertain for a second and then announced, 'I'm gonna be shick.'
Buck hastily dragged him to his feet and managed to get him to the side of the saloon before he lost it. JD hunched over as he brought back the last half-dozen glasses of a full night's drinking. Buck leaned against the wall, rubbing his forehead and trying to stay conscious. He hadn't intended to get as drunk as he was and now feared he was in no state to watch over his young friend.
'Let's get you back to the boardin' house,' he muttered as he hauled JD's limp arm around his neck.
'But the night is young,' JD protested as they weaved down the center of Landon's Main Street.
'And so are you. It's way past your bedtime.'
They made their unsteady way to the neat little boarding house. Pausing for breath outside, Buck leaned on the hitching rail at one side of the building.
'You got any more to come back up? Better you leave it out here.'
JD tried to shake his head but the movement almost toppled him.
'Naaw but I need a pish.' He struggled forlornly with the buttons of his pants.
Expecting an accident if he didn't help out, Buck leaned over and barely freed JD's cock in time.
'Hey, kid, no need to do it over me.' He undid his own fly and sighed in relief.
JD giggled and pointed his dick upwards, hitting the wall of the boarding house about four feet off the ground. Buck grinned and beat him by eighteen inches.
'Don't mess with the master, son.'
Almost decent but unbuttoned, they staggered up to their rooms on the second floor. JD tried to put his hand in his pants pocket, grinned then fell over. Buck reached into the pocket, found the key and opened the door. It was all he could do to drag the dead weight into the room. He shut the door behind them and then tackled the task of shifting JD onto his bed, getting precious little help from the babbling form. He sat on the edge of the mattress, waiting for the room to stop spinning.
'Y'know,' JD's voice was intense, as if he were about to reveal the secrets of the universe. 'I ain't never done it with Casey. Never.'
Buck smiled. That was hardly news: JD wore his inexperience out in the open.
'It ain't 'cause I don't want to but I reshpect her. Reshpect her. You wouldn't know 'bout that, Buck.'
Buck said nothing, starting instead to remove JD's top clothes.
'Sometimes, I wanna do it so bad.' The voice was plaintive now. 'I get… I get…' Even as he searched for the words, the thought of Casey made him horny. Just as Buck was pulling his pants off, his cock began to stir. 'But I gotta wait till we're married.'
Buck tried unsuccessfully to stifle a snigger. There had never been a time when he planned to wait that long. He grinned at the generous cigar-shape now outlined in JD's drawers: Casey wouldn't be disappointed when their wedding night finally arrived. He felt a stirring in his own loins… funny, he'd thought they were both well past getting hard. He originally intended for the night to end with some feminine company but that proved elusive so they'd stuck with the booze.
'Let's see yoursh.'
JD's request caught Buck on the hop. The boy was in some state. When he found himself pulling down his own pants, he knew JD wasn't the only one. When he felt a hand on his dick, he knew he should stop but…
- 2 -
JD screwed up his eyes against the light. He tried to lift his head from the pillow but it wouldn't move. A wave of nausea rolled up from his stomach and collided with the ripple of pain that was working down from his skull. He groaned.
It was more than ten minutes before he tried again, this time just turning his head a fraction. It eventually obeyed his command, sluggish but still attached to his body. Someone was beside him… in his bed… under the covers. He slowly identified Buck's luxuriant head of hair. The man's back was bare. A memory flitted just beyond JD's grasp as he reached down to scratch his butt. Only when his hand touched bare flesh did the unthinkable come crashing into his dazed brain. He rolled out of the bed, smacking his head on the floor as he did so.
'Oh, God. Oh, no. Jesus.' He kept up a mumbled commentary as he struggled into his clothes, desperate to cover his nakedness, hoping somehow that would dilute the shame seeping through him. He gave no thought to whether he would wake Buck with his ramblings but the older man was still dead to the world.
JD crept out of the boarding house, afraid to settle up for fear that the nature of his sin was somehow there for all to see. He saddled his horse, throwing payment onto the rough-hewn table in the corner of the livery, and rode out of town at a gallop.
- 3 -
An hour later, Buck stirred. One of the lucky few who rarely experience a hangover, his mouth was dry and his stomach a bit acid but he didn't feel too bad, considering. That changed as soon as he saw where he was. Awareness flooded over him as he saw the open wardrobe door and the total absence of any trace of JD.
'Shit.'
He repeated JD's earlier moves, except that he settled the bill before leaving. A stableboy had seen JD ride out and Buck was confident of catching him but his optimism soon faded, as he reached rocky ground that held no tracks. Vin might have kept with the runaway but Buck knew that he stood no chance on his own. He reined back, thought for a minute or two and then turned southeast. The sooner he got back to Four Corners, the sooner Vin would be on the case.
- 4 -
JD stayed at a gallop until the poor beast under him was fit to drop, heedless of the terrain, not caring what befell him. The youngster had never abused a horse in his life but his need to flee the horror of what he'd done overwhelmed any other consideration. Eventually, the horse stumbled and threw him: he lay in the dust, wishing he'd broken his neck in the fall.
The sun had reached its zenith when JD got slowly to his feet and walked sorrowfully over to his horse. It nuzzled his hand affectionately, remembering a thousand kindnesses and forgetting the harsh treatment as only an animal can. JD slaked his thirst from his canteen and then moistened his steed's dry mouth. He felt the gelding over from head to hoof, checking for the injuries and strains he could so easily could have inflicted, but miraculously found no damage. He swung back into his saddle and set off in search of water. His guilt and shame burned as hot as ever but he wouldn't make another creature suffer for that.
- 5 -
Buck was laboring under his own burden of shame. He felt no guilt about the act itself, only about the pain he had unwittingly caused the youngster whom he had come to regard as a brother. Thinking of JD as a brother only magnified his misery. He urged his horse on, keeping up a brisk pace all afternoon.
The sun sank slowly towards the western horizon, setting the world ablaze with its dying rays. Buck would gladly have ridden all night but his mount was exhausted. He held out until dark and then reluctantly set up camp by a tiny trickle of water that spewed from a rockface and gathered in a pool below. He sat, chewing wretchedly on a biscuit, and wondered where JD was and what he was doing.
- 6 -
As it happened, JD sat by a wide creek only a few hours from Buck. His horse now rested comfortably, grazed and watered, the morning's exertions faded from its memory without a trace. It was still subdued, sensing its rider's mood and unable to understand the change in the kindly human that had treated it so well for so long.
JD's thoughts were locked in a circle: Casey-Buck-Casey-Buck-Casey-Buck… He put his hands over his ears, trying to shut out the whispering voices, all the while knowing that they were inside his head. What had he been thinking? He loved Casey… didn't he? How could he love her when he'd done what he did? Why did he do it? He'd never even thought of doing something like that. He wasn't like that. Casey-Buck-Casey-Buck…
- 7 -
JD wasn't the only one awake. Buck tossed and turned all night, knowing he would get no sleep and simply waiting for the dawn. At first light, he was back on the trail with no intention of stopping until he reached the town he now thought of as home.
He'd been riding for a couple of hours before he began to wonder how he was going to explain JD's disappearance. He wasn't particularly bothered about the others knowing what had passed - perhaps with the exception of Josiah - but JD was probably distraught and wouldn't thank him for telling all and sundry. After stewing on it for a while, Buck still couldn't see any alternative: he couldn't find JD without Vin and Vin would be in town with the others. He pressed on, unsure what to do but needing to do something.
- 8 -
As is so often the way, sleep finally found JD in the half-light of dawn. The few hours rest that he got were haunted by vivid dreams of what had passed. His imagination insisted on embellishing his memories until a drunken fumble became a full-blown night of unremitting sexual deviance.
When he started into sweaty wakefulness, JD felt worse than he'd ever felt in his life. The death of his mother had brought sorrow but that was nothing compared with the cocktail of emotions now swilling around inside him. Only his shooting of Miss Amy came close and, even then, he'd had the comfort that it was an accident. It had made him consider going back East but not to question what kind of man he was. Eventually, he decided that his only escape was back into the bottle. He saddled up and set out for a town he'd seen in the distance the day before.
It was nearly noon by the time he rode in, hitched his horse and strode into the saloon. Half an hour later, he was still sitting, elbows on the bar and head in his hands, staring morosely into a beer that he no longer wanted to drink. He jumped when a familiar voice addressed him.
'Hey, JD. What ya doin' here?' It was Vin.
'Nothin'. I… Nothin'.'
Vin studied the youngster. JD was transparent at any time and his agitation now would be clear at half a mile.
'Didn't know you was here.' JD's tone said that, had he known Vin was in Clarksville, he wouldn't have been there himself.
'Come up to collect a package for Mary.' Vin leaned on the bar thoughtfully. 'Thought y'were in Landon with Buck.'
'No. Yeah. I was.'
Vin didn't need to be told that something had happened but what?
'Buck okay?'
'Yeah. I guess. I don't know.'
'He hurt?'
JD flared up. 'What's with all the questions? Can't a man get a drink in peace?' He fled from the saloon.
Vin wasn't one to pry but something was clearly amiss and he felt obliged to check it out. He couldn't believe Buck was lying injured somewhere - what would JD be doing here? - but… He caught up with JD in the street.
'I was gonna get some grub. Want something?'
'I'm not hungry.'
Vin frowned. The day hadn't dawned when JD wasn't hungry. Seeing their destination was the livery stable, he tried again. 'Ya movin' on?'
A nod.
'Which way ya headed?'
JD had no idea which way he was headed. He didn't even know in which direction Four Corners lay without thinking about it. 'West.'
Vin weighed that up. 'Don't wanna go due west o' here. Hard country. Do better to loop south and then northwest after half a day or so.'
'Okay. Thanks.'
'Might as well hook up with me till ya head off.'
JD cursed himself for not seeing where Vin was going with his questions. 'No.'
Vin raised an eyebrow. One-word answers were nothing from Chris, or himself come to that, but JD never said one word where twenty would do.
'I need a bath or somethin'?'
JD stopped walking, looked up, down and sideways, then finally met Vin's steady gaze. The boy's deep brown eyes had none of their usual humor and zest for life. They were jittery.
'I don't wanna be alone with yer, Vin. Not with anybody. Ever.'
An inkling of what was troubling the youngster slowly wormed its way into Vin's mind. Away with Buck, probably drinking and chasing women: something had upset him and he'd lit out without Buck and now didn't intend to go back to Four Corners. He let it go.
'Okay. See ya back in town.'
JD watched him leave, surprised at how quickly the man had given up but feeling only relief at not having to explain further. Running into Vin told him one thing: he never wanted to face any of his friends again.
From the shadow of the livery stable, Vin watched JD's silhouette until it melted into the southern horizon and then went to saddle his horse. The boy wouldn't be hard to follow.
- 9 -
Nearing Four Corners, Buck still had no idea what to do. Only his route, passing near Chris's shack, decided him. Hoping Chris was up there, he changed course. It was mid-afternoon by the time he rode into view. Chris was scraping out a filly's hoof when he heard Buck's approach. His hand rested over his gun until he recognized his friend. It was only another moment before he picked up on the man's dejection. He leaned against the corral and waited.
'Chris.' The single word of greeting was laden with anxiety.
'Buck. Coffee?'
'Whiskey, if you got it.'
Chris nodded and led the way inside. Buck said nothing while he settled himself on a chair and drained two glasses.
'I've really fucked up this time,' he finally announced.
Chris said nothing. The man's tone left no doubt that joking was out of place and so he waited.
'Y'know me and JD been up in Landon?'
Chris nodded.
'Night afore last we got roostered. I don't know when I was last that bad… was all I could do to get us back to our rooms.' A deep sigh. 'Woke up… next t'him. Leastwise, I would've if he hadn't scarpered while I was still out for the count.' He stared at his hands. 'I tried t'follow him but I lost him. I was goin' into town for Vin but… well… JD ain't gonna thank me if everyone knows. Hell, no telling what that fool'll do.'
Chris raised his eyebrows and breathed out heavily. He declined to comment on who was the fool. When he spoke, it was with his usual pragmatism. 'Vin ain't in town anyhow. He rode out to Clarksville on some errand for Mary.'
'Shit.' Buck thought for a while before adding, 'JD was headed that way outta Landon. Guess that's somethin'.'
Chris nodded, then asked, 'You sure…?'
Buck knew what he meant and nodded. 'Yeah. I was tryin' to get him into bed. He got horny thinkin' 'bout Casey. I'da thought we were both well past doin' anythin' to anybody but it just sorta happened.' He sighed again and then added, 'The whole thing.'
Chris's eyes glinted angrily. 'Hell, Buck. You ever gonna get that prick of yours under control?'
Buck only shrugged. Nothing Chris said could make him feel any worse than he already did.
'What d'you expect me to do 'bout it?'
'Help me find him. He might do somethin'… stupid.'
'He'd have to get in line.' Chris tried to inject ferocity into his tone but even he couldn't stay angry after hearing Buck's plea and his words just came out sad. He thought for a while. 'I'll head into Clarksville, pick up Vin if I can and get after JD. You stay here. He might not be… ready.'
Buck nodded. He was probably the last person JD wanted to see right now. He watched Chris prepare for the ride then stood in the yard to see him off. Looking up at his oldest friend, despondency in his eyes and desperation in his voice, he begged again.
'Tell him… make him see… it ain't a big thing.'
Chris held his gaze for a few seconds, then nodded curtly and turned the big black gelding towards Clarksville. It wouldn't take long to reach Vin, if he was still there, but who knew how long it'd take to find JD. There was certainly no guarantee that he'd hold any kind of course.
- 10 -
Vin had followed JD throughout the afternoon, matching his meandering route and closing the gap between them. It was late in the afternoon when he crouched on a ridge, not thirty paces from the youngster, and watched him throw pebbles at a rock. He'd almost decided to try talking again when JD got up and took a coil of rope out of his saddlebag. Vin felt a mixture of fascination and horror as he saw the boy tie a noose, throw the rope over the bough of a tree and then knot the end around its trunk. JD mounted his horse, slipped the noose over his neck and sat glumly.
After taking careful aim, Vin waited to see if JD would back out of his own accord. He sensed, more than saw, the boy stiffen a split-second before he kicked his horse. A precisely placed bullet severed the rope. Anticipating the pull of the noose, JD was off-balance and fell from his saddle as the gelding sprang forward.
When Vin rode down, there was nothing but anger on JD's face. He sat where he'd fallen, glowering.
'What the hell d'yer do that for, Vin? You got no idea how hard it was to get up my courage and now I gotta do it all over again.'
Vin dismounted sadly. 'What's going on, kid? There ain't too many things worth a man hangin' himself over.'
'This is.' There was absolute conviction in his words. 'You don't know what I did.'
'Ya hurt Buck?'
The boy slowly moved his head from side to side.
'Let someone else hurt him?'
The same response.
'Hurt anyone?'
'No but…'
'But nothin', JD. Man don't give up his life without a damned good reason.'
The edge to his voice got JD's attention. Vin wasn't in a hurry to give up his own life, however much the law might want to take it. The man sat beside the youth, a couple of yards from him, noting how he shrank away.
'Okay. If ya ain't gonna tell me, let me guess.' He paused but JD said nothing. 'Ya'n'Buck got boiled.' He looked sideways, gauged the boy's response, then continued. 'Someone screw someone?'
JD's cheeks burned hot. He said nothing. Knowing he was right, Vin debated what to do about it. It was nothing to him but he could see it mattered like hell to JD.
'Ya don't think ya the only fella ever done that, do ya?'
JD shook his head miserably. 'Perverts do it.'
Vin couldn't suppress a smile. 'Must be a lotta them perverts about.'
Scrambling to his feet, JD snapped uncharacteristically. 'Ain't no laughing matter.' He jammed on his hat, stalked to his horse and rode off angrily.
Vin mounted at a more leisurely pace, pulling alongside a minute or two later.
'I ain't laughing at ya, JD, but it ain't a big deal.'
The look he got was a mixture of disbelief and annoyance at what JD saw as a pathetic attempt to cheer him up.
Seeing how JD was wrestling with his supposed evil-doing, Vin said, 'I known men that stuck their horses when company got real short. Reckon Buck's a step or two up on that. He must be good with the practice he's had.'
JD turned a deep red at Vin's words.
'Ya don't even remember, do ya kid?'
There was a long pause.
'Not exactly. I…' JD hesitated then finally committed himself to the admission. 'I know I wanted it and I liked it. Then I woke up and realized what I'd done.' He stared miserably at his horse's ears. 'Ain't right. Man like you'd never do somethin' like that.'
JD had never heard the soft laugh that elicited from Vin. 'Don't ya be too quick decidin' what a man like me'd do.' He pushed his hat back a fraction and studied the horizon for a minute, not given to discussing his affairs. 'When I lived with the Kiowa, I had a friend who went in f'that. Ain't such a big deal to them as it is to some white folks. Ain't really my thing but now'n'agin we used ta do it, mostly f'him but it got me there well enough.'
The eyes that turned on Vin were no longer jittery; they were like big brown dinnerplates.
'No need for ya t'be spreadin' it round, mind. Folk're funny 'bout these things. Best t'mind ya business and let other folk mind theirs.' He paused. 'An' JD, takes a man t'admit he wanted it an' liked it - even t'hisself.'
They rode on in silence, JD pondering Vin's words and Vin happy to let him. It was maybe a quarter-hour before movement drew Vin's gaze to the horizon again. He reined back and stared harder. After a few seconds, he pulled out his spyglass and took another look.
'Chris,' he said softly. 'Probably come lookin' f'me to help look f'ya. Ya ready for him?'
JD became agitated again. 'Buck's told him.' There was anger in his voice.
'May not'a had much choice.' Vin's tone was still soft, trying to calm the youngster. 'Ya told me, whether ya meant to or not.'
'But Chris…'
There was a pitiful note in JD's voice. Vin knew how he idolized Chris and how that now intensified his shame.
'Don't reckon ya'll find there's much Chris ain't done.'
JD's snort said what he thought of that notion.
Vin tried again. 'If he's riled with anyone, it'll be Buck. Face him, kid: runnin' away never did no one no good.'
It tore at his heart to see JD's response. The boy sat firmer in his saddle, set his shoulders and rode forward. Vin followed half a length behind for the time it took to close the gap.
'Hey, boys,' Chris said casually. His sharp green eyes met the blue softness of Vin's gaze and read all he needed to know there. He looked at JD, an uncharacteristic gentleness in his expression. 'You okay, JD?'
JD's courage failed and he stared at the ground. Finally he muttered, 'So everyone knows.'
'Nope. Buck caught me at my shack on his way back to town. He's waitin' there now.' Chris paused then added, 'He's worried sick 'bout you, JD. Ain't like he meant for it to happen. Man takes a drink too many, he gets mad or he gets horny. You'n'Buck just ain't the fightin' kind.'
'I ain't the other kind either.' The raw pain was there again.
Chris and Vin exchanged knowing looks. 'Every man's that kind when the time'n'place is right. Some jus' take longer'an others.' Seeing there was only one reassurance that would help the youngster, he added, 'It ain't like you're the only one's been there with Buck.'
JD was at first puzzled and then stunned. 'You mean… no… not you…'
The grin that spread slowly across Chris's face held no embarrassment. 'Hell, JD, you know what Buck's like when he ain't had it for a coupla weeks. You don't wanna see what he's like after a few months. It's easier to fuck him than listen to his whinin'.'
The boy's mouth hung open.
'Better shut y'mouth, JD. Ya'll be catchin' flies.' Vin's laidback voice held a smile. 'Told ya it wasn't nothin'.'
JD had no answer for that. He shook his head, frowned, then shook his head again. Suddenly, all he wanted was to get home; he urged his horse on. His friends fell in behind him, only Vin knowing how close to tragedy they'd come and he having no plans to tell anyone about it.
Continued in No Harm in Looking