Nothing
Disclaimer: Not mine and no money is being made.
Genre: ATF - Thanks goes out to Mog for creating such a wonderful world and allowing us to play in it!
Notes: This is the story that was submitted in 'My Seducer II', a Magnificent 7 Zine created by Lumina.
Chris grunted and collapsed forward onto Ezra, gasping, then sighed as he felt fingers weave their way through his hair and caress the back of his neck. Taking a deep breath, Chris was assaulted by a scent that could only be labeled 'Ezra.' Closing his eyes, Chris felt all his doubts and fears return with a force that nearly took his breath away. With a shake of his head, he tried to convince himself that what just happened actually hadn't happened at all. Glancing up, Chris froze. Ezra was looking at him with such tenderness that he began to panic and pulled away. Turning his back on the younger man, he reached for his clothes and began to dress.
"This never happened. It was a mistake that never should have happened," Chris said in a clipped tone.
"But it did happen," came a whispered Southern reply.
"No. No, it didn't," Chris argued, finally turning to face him.
"Yes, it did. You can tell yourself whatever you want, but it won't change the fact that-"
"Don't say it!" he warned.
"We made love!"
Chris flinched as if Ezra had hit him and did what he always did: reacted without thinking. Lashing out in confusion and fear, he slammed his fist across Ezra's jaw and was surprised that the smaller man only staggered and didn't fall. With a heaving chest, Chris watched as Ezra shook his head and then looked up at him. He felt his heart stop at the look in those green eyes.
"Fine," was all the Southerner said.
Chris watched as Ezra put his shirt on, not bothering to button it. It was almost as if the Southerner was teasing him. Chris felt his eyes widen and his breath quicken as Ezra closed the distance between them. Taking a deep breath almost proved to be his downfall as he was assaulted by Ezra's scent. The blonde let his eyes drift shut, his body responding to Ezra's heat as he circled him.
"Fine, Mr. Larabee, the mind-blowing sex we just shared never happened. In fact, when you look back on this, and believe me you will, you can tell yourself it was all just a figment of…your imagination," Ezra whispered.
Chris's eyes flew open, and he watched in horror as one lone tear blazed a trail down Ezra's cheek. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and got a panicky feeling in his gut when he opened them and found himself alone in the barn. Walking quickly to the door, he opened his mouth to say…something, he didn't know what. Just…something. Seeing Vin walking up to Ezra almost made him change his mind, but he found himself quickly advancing on the pair as Ezra walked to his car.
"Hey, Ez, you leaving?" Vin asked as he got closer, frowning as he saw the busted lip and the blood running down his chin. "Ezra? Are you okay?" The Southerner jerked away as Vin reached out to touch him. It was as if Ezra thought Vin might hit him.
"Yes."
"Are you sure?" the sharpshooter pushed. When Ezra didn't answer him, Vin looked at Chris and asked, "What happened?"
"Nothing," Ezra answered for both of them.
Chris flinched and tightly clenched his fists, but he didn't say a word as Ezra got in his car and left. Sensing Vin about to say something, he turned away and headed back toward the barn. The barn! No. No, he couldn't go back in there. Not yet. He headed for the house instead.
"Did you and Ezra get through stacking the hay?" Vin asked as he stepped into the house.
Chris threw open his liquor cabinet and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. After taking a drink right from the bottle, he gripped it so tightly in his hand that he was surprised when it didn't break. "Yeah," was all he could get past the lump in his throat.
+ + + + + + +
Vin shook his head as he looked from Chris to where Ezra's taillights had disappeared and without a word walked back outside. Replaying the earlier conversation in his mind, Vin remembered catching a flash of something in Ezra's usually guarded eyes, but it was gone so fast that he wasn't sure what he saw, or even if he saw anything. Looking at Chris through the window, Vin softly sneered as he unconsciously sided with the Southerner. "Bastard. What the hell did ya do to Ez?"
Walking to his jeep, Vin climbed in and just sat there for a moment. Lowering his head, he wondered if he should stay here and look after his best friend or follow Ezra, who was his…what? What was Ezra to him exactly? What he and Ezra had was more than friendship. It was more like…kinship. Yeah, that's what it was. Ezra was like a brother to him. No, more like a twin. They understood each other. Never one to pry, Vin vowed to keep his eyes open and to be there for Ezra whether he wanted him to be or not. But first, he'd make sure that Chris didn't do anything stupid.
+ + + + + + +
Ezra drove on autopilot and, once he got home, just went through the motions. As he fixed himself a bite to eat, he thought back to the incident in the barn. Feeling his pulse begin to race, Ezra slammed the brakes down on that incident. Chris hit him. Truth be told, he didn't know why he was so surprised. It wasn't as though it was the first time. What did surprise him was the fact that he hadn't hit the ground after Chris hit him. Somehow he had managed to stand his ground.
Another surprise was how much he longed to tell Vin exactly what happened; to be able to confide in someone; to have a shoulder to cry on. But the Texan was Chris's friend, and he would not come between them over…nothing.
With a determined shake of his head, Ezra pushed thoughts of Chris and what had happened in the barn from his mind. He didn't want to go through that kind of pain again. If Chris didn't want him, then so be it.
After cleaning up his dirty dishes, Ezra walked into the bathroom and quickly showered. Stepping from the tub, he quickly dressed but was careful to avoid the mirror. He didn't need to be reminded of what a fool he'd been. Wandering into the living room, he flopped down on the sofa. Switching on the television, he stared at the floor refusing to cry.
Suddenly realizing he had a splitting headache, Ezra went back into the bathroom to take some Tylenol. After closing the medicine cabinet, he found himself face to face with his own reflection. To his horror, all his masks fell, and he was left staring at the pain and disillusionment there.
"Fool," he whispered and saw the tears begin to gather, tears that he refused to let fall. "You should have known better. Should have known you'd never be good enough for someone like Chris," he taunted himself. "You should have tried harder to resist him. Shouldn't have let his touch affect you. You shouldn't have allowed him to seduce you." Leaning forward, he rested his head on the cool mirror and swallowed hard. "Bastard. You sad, sad bastard," he said in a harsh whisper and, once again, looked himself in the eye.
Then, with a harsh cry, he slammed his fist into his reflection and shattered it. Taking a deep breath, Ezra wiped his tears away and ignored the pain in his hand. The pain was easy to ignore; he'd been doing that most of his life. Not the blood though, and reaching for a towel, he wrapped it around his hand. Walking out of the room, he soon returned with a broom and dustpan and cleaned up his mess. After emptying the glass from the broken mirror, he once again sat down on the couch but could no longer ignore the intense throbbing in his hand. Getting wearily to his feet, Ezra grabbed his keys and went to the one person he knew would help him.
+ + + + + + +
Josiah had just finished cleaning up the kitchen when he heard someone knock on the door. With a dishtowel still in his hand, he opened the door and smiled as he saw Ezra standing there. Stepping back, he allowed the younger man to enter. "I must say this is a nice surprise, Ezra. I thought you'd still be at…" Josiah's voice trailed off as he noticed the bloody towel wrapped around Ezra's hand. "What happened? Are you all right?"
"I broke a mirror."
"With what? Your fist?" the older man said, grabbing his arm and pulling him into the kitchen. Turning the faucet on, he carefully removed the towel to reveal bloody knuckles. "Why?" When Ezra gave him a blank look, Josiah expanded his question. "Why did you put your fist through the mirror?"
Ezra winced as the cold water caused his hand to throb even more.
"This doesn't look that bad," Josiah said as the water washed most of the blood away. Grabbing a clean towel, he turned the water off and pushed Ezra into one of the kitchen chairs then went to get his first aid kit. "Brace yourself, son, this will probably burn like hell," he cautioned, but, other than an indrawn breath, Ezra gave no indication that he felt any discomfort. "Well, are you going to tell me what happened?" he asked as he wrapped Ezra's hand.
Looking up, Ezra felt the icy hand of fear grip his heart and didn't know what to say. 'Do I tell him the truth or just rattle off some inane excuse?'
Seeing nothing but the need to understand in Josiah's eyes, Ezra suddenly felt as if the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders. So, with a quick nod of his head, Ezra made up his mind to be completely honest and face the consequence head on. Of course, he was Maude's son, so he had to go about telling the truth with a certain flare, meaning he'd do it in his own way. Which also meant Ezra would extract some kind of commitment from Josiah first.
"Do you like me, Josiah? I mean, are we friends? The kind of friends that one can tell anything to and not be judged too severely?"
"Of course, I like you," he replied. "You can tell me whatever you want, and it will not change a thing."
The younger man just nodded his head for a moment before asking, "Do you trust me?"
"Yes, Ezra, I do trust you," Josiah told him and asked, "Are you all right, Ezra? Do you want me to call Nathan?"
Ezra just shook his head and tried to absorb the last couple of minutes. Placing his elbow on the table, he rested his head in his good hand and peered at Josiah through his fingers, a touch of fear in his eyes. Breaking eye contact with the older man, Ezra sat up and looked out the kitchen window over the sink.
"Josiah, I'm…" He had to pause and clear his throat before continuing, "What I mean to say is that I have different tastes than what is considered the norm." Scratching his head, he frowned. "Not that it isn't normal, per se. It's…it's just more…common these days. You're not following me at all, are you?" Ezra recognized the confused look on Josiah's face and tried to think of a way to tell him without actually having to tell him.
"Okay. Let's try it this way. I prefer an alternative lifestyle than Buck's." Ezra watched as Josiah's frown deepened as he processed that, and then saw his eyes widen as comprehension dawned. 'Okay, Ezra, here's your moment of truth.'
"'Alternative?' Are you sure? I mean, I've seen you on dates with women."
"I enjoy the company of women, but, when it comes to intimacy, I prefer men," he explained as he ran his hand through his hair.
"How long have you-"
"I was in college when I finally admitted it to myself."
"Does Maude know?"
Shaking his head, Ezra whispered, "No. This would have been the one flaw of mine that Maude would not have overlooked."
"Oh, Ezra, that's not true. You don't really believe that, do you?" When Ezra didn't answer, Josiah reached across the table and took his hand. "Ezra, you know Maude loves you and, ultimately, even she would only want you to be happy," he reassured him. Reaching out with his free hand, he lifted Ezra's chin so that he could see his eyes and pointed out, "Besides, now she doesn't have to worry about you making her a grandmother, does she?"
Ezra couldn't help but grin at that. "That's true."
"Do the others know?"
The smile dropped from Ezra's face, as he shook his head no. "Just our illustrious leader."
"Why tell me? Why now?"
Ezra just shrugged and said, "Because I got tired of hiding, and I felt I could trust you."
"Thank you, Ezra. That means a lot, and don't worry, your secret's safe with me," Josiah told him and then slapped him on the arm. "Now, tell me what happened with the mirror and who hit you."
"I don't know, Josiah," the Southerner shrugged. "One minute I was calling myself a fool over…nothing, and the next thing I knew, I had punched the damned thing."
"Did your lover hit you?"
Ezra shook his head no and said, "Chris hit me." That was kind of true. One time did not make them lovers.
"Chris? Why?"
Ezra shrugged his shoulders and replied, "The usual reasons. My mouth."
Josiah couldn't help but smile. "Do you love him?" he asked, jumping back to the lover subject.
Ezra paled and asked, "Who? Chris?"
"No. Your lover," he said with a laugh.
Ezra had been doing fine restraining his tears until that question. With the tears running freely down his face, he looked at Josiah and, with a catch in his voice, said, "God help me, Josiah, but yes, I do." Ezra had a major crush on Chris from the beginning, and then Chris had given Ezra the one thing no one else ever had: A second chance. So what had started out as a crush, had quickly blossomed into love.
"Does he love you?"
"No. I don't know. He doesn't know what he wants," he said in a watery voice.
Josiah got to his feet, then, pulling Ezra up, he gathered him in his arms and just held him.
+ + + + + + +
The ex-preacher quietly closed the door behind him and leaned back on it. He was happy Ezra had decided to spend the night. Walking into his own room, Josiah sat on his bed giving serious thought to ringing Nathan and having him come and check Ezra over.
Taking a deep breath, Josiah slowly released it and thought about what Ezra had confessed to him. Not only had Ezra come to him for help, but he had also confided his deepest secret to him. Of the million and one things that he could have said that was the last thing Josiah had expected to hear. Not that it mattered to him. He cared about Ezra and always would, no matter whom he loved.
Thinking about Ezra brought Chris to mind for some reason. 'Those two,' he thought with a small grin on his face. 'Too bad Chris wasn't gay because he would be good for Ezra,' Josiah suddenly thought, 'and Ezra would be good for him.' Chris never looked so alive as he did when he and Ezra were arguing. 'Where the hell did that come from?' he asked himself, and then firmly pushed those kinds of thoughts out of his head. 'Thoughts like that could get a man hurt,' he told himself, as he headed for the shower.
+ + + + + + +
By the time Ezra made it to work Monday, Vin was ready to put out an APB on him. The sharpshooter had been calling the Southerner since Saturday night and hadn't spoken with him once. He must have left a million messages on his machine. He had even called the others looking for him, and the only one he'd found home was Josiah. Looking at the older man now, Vin thought that Josiah knew more than he was letting on. Shaking his head, he decided that he was just going to have to find Ezra's hiding place.
Seeing Ezra walk in had Vin on his feet and closing the distance between them, but seeing the bandage wrapped around his hand stopped him in his tracks. "Ez, you okay? What happened to your hand?"
"I am as well as I can expect to be on a Monday morning, Mr. Tanner. And yourself?" Ezra asked, trying to divert Vin's attention. Monday dawned much too quickly for Ezra's taste, especially given the fact that he'd spent the last two nights at Josiah's and, as a result, had to rush home and change his clothes before going to work.
"Actually, I had a horrible weekend. I spent most of Saturday night and all day Sunday trying to find a missing friend." Vin gave him a pointed look.
"Really, Mr. Tanner, you should be more careful about where you leave your friends," Ezra teased him.
Vin grinned in spite of himself and reached over, punching Ezra lightly on the arm. "Now, what happened to your hand?"
Ezra looked from Vin to Josiah and then to the others. He was careful not to look directly at Chris, whom he could feel standing in the doorway of his office. Looking down at his hand, he asked, "Would you believe a hangnail?"
"I would," Nathan said with a smile. "No injury involving the three of you surprises me in the least."
"Three of us?" Ezra asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah. You, Vin and JD," Nathan explained causing everyone except the three in question to laugh.
"So what really happened to your hand?" Buck asked with a grin on his face.
With a shrug of his shoulders, Ezra said, "I closed the car door on it."
+ + + + + + +
Chris ran his eyes up and down Ezra, satisfied just to drink in the sight of him, until he noticed the bruise that he had inflicted on the Southerner's chin. Feeling suddenly ashamed of himself, he barked out, "If you ladies are through, maybe you could manage to get some work done."
Having said that, the lean, blonde leader returned to his office. Walking over to his only window, Chris gazed out over the city and rested his head on the cool pane. Closing his eyes gave his mind permission to drift back to the best and worst weekend of his life.
+ + + + + + +
They were all supposed to come out and help Chris put some hay up for the winter, but, as morning dawned, he received calls from the others saying that they wouldn't be able to make it. So when Vin called, Chris assumed that he was canceling as well, but to his surprise, Vin just wanted to let him know that he was running late and that he and Ezra would be there soon.
Even though winter was fast approaching, it was an unusually warm day and, as a result, the three men stripped down to their jeans. Stopping to take a break, they decided to cool off with a beer, but Chris discovered he didn't have any. Vin said he'd run up to the store and get some. While he was gone, Chris and Ezra finished stacking what was left of the hay.
Chris placed the last bale of hay on the stack and, turning, he was mesmerized by the sight of Ezra drenched in sunlight. His mouth went dry as Ezra stretched his hands high above his head and cupped them together, then, he twisted at the waist trying to work the kinks out of his back. Chris had been attracted to the sultry Southerner since he'd first laid eyes on him. That attraction increased tenfold upon discovering that Ezra was gay. Of course, Ezra being Ezra, he'd never actually come out and said that he was gay, instead he'd just hinted at preferring a different lifestyle. Since Chris was the boss, he had decided not to act on his desire, but the effort it took to just be near Ezra and not touch him had finally weakened his resolve. And now, looking at Ezra's sweat-glistened chest, all rational thought escaped him. Without conscience thought, he closed the distance between them and, raising a hand, he followed a bead of sweat with his finger, from the hollow of Ezra's throat until it disappeared into the waistband of Ezra's jeans.
Ezra stood frozen to the spot as Chris invaded his personal space, and he shivered at the other man's touch. Grabbing that wayward finger, he looked up. Opening his mouth to ask Chris what he thought he was doing, Ezra found himself clutched against Chris's chest and forgot about what he was about to say. Seeing desire flare in those blue-green eyes and that blonde head descending towards him, Ezra began to shake his head and, calling on his stubborn determination, turned his head away. "I don't think we should do this, Chris," he whispered, and then bit his lip to keep from moaning out loud as Chris began to kiss his way across his jaw and down the side of his neck.
"Why not?" Chris whispered in Ezra's ear before taking the lobe into his mouth.
Ezra's eyes threatened to roll back in his head as his body was inundated with reactions. "You're my boss," he managed to say at last. "This could com…complicate th…things," he stammered.
Chris smiled against Ezra's neck. "I thought you liked," he ran a hand down the smooth back and grabbed the Southerner's ass, causing the younger man to groan, before continuing, "complicated."
"Yes, well, there's complicated, and then there's complicated," Ezra said with a smile of his own.
Seeing that teasing light mixed with desire had an immediate effect on Chris's body, causing him to groan softly. Slowly lowering his head, Chris sighed as his lips touched Ezra's. Feeling Ezra's lips part under his, Chris gently deepened the kiss and groaned as he discovered that Ezra tasted even better than he had imagined.
Tearing his mouth away, Ezra panted and pushed Chris a little away. "Chris, we can't do this," he said in a breathy voice.
"Yes, we can," Chris replied and proceeded to unbutton Ezra's pants. Looking into Ezra's eyes, he slowly lowered the zipper and eased his hand inside causing Ezra to buck his hips in response. Seeing the effect his touch was having on Ezra, Chris removed his hand and pushed Ezra into an empty stall and down onto the fresh hay.
After quickly removing their boots and pants, Chris shuddered as their naked flesh touched for the first time. He wanted nothing more than to bury himself deep inside Ezra, but, not having any protection or lube with him, they'd have to settle for this right now.
With a sigh, Ezra reached up and ran his hands through Chris's hair, then, pulled him closer and took his mouth in a deep soul-touching kiss. Spreading his legs, he captured Chris within them.
Feeling Ezra's legs wrap around him had Chris losing what was left of his control, and he started grinding himself against Ezra. All too soon, they were both lost in the bliss of release. As his heart calmed down, his doubts and fears began to return, and then he looked up and saw a tender expression on Ezra's face.
+ + + + + + +
With a jerk, Chris blinked away the memories and stepped from the window. Suddenly, Ezra's words were echoing through his head. When you look back on this, and believe me you will, you can tell yourself it was all just a figment of…your imagination. Over and over he heard the words. 'My imagination, hell.' His imagination only made it worse because it was only there that Chris allowed himself to hold Ezra like he wanted.
Swallowing hard, he went and sat at his desk, but, try as he might, he could not keep his mind from being drawn back to Ezra. Ezra, who had not looked directly at him. Ezra, who without a doubt knew just what to say to incite his temper faster than anyone Chris had ever met. Sometimes he swore Ezra deliberately pushed him just to see him react. But in spite of that, or maybe because of it, Chris found that the opposite was also true. Not even Vin or Buck could calm him once his temper reached a certain level, but Ezra only had to touch him, and Chris would regain control and be able to tame the beast within. No one except Sarah had ever had that effect on him.
Averting his attention, Chris pinched the bridge of his nose and tried not to focus on the conversation going on in the outer office. Damnit, they sounded like a bunch of women. Getting to his feet, he intended to tell them to either shut up and get to work or leave, but as he stepped up to the door, Chris heard what they were talking about and couldn't help but listen.
"Hey, Ezra, did your mouth get you into trouble again?" Nathan teased, indicating the bruise on his jaw.
"Naturally," Ezra said with a small smile. "You know me, Nathan, I always let my mouth overload my ass."
"Why'd Chris hit you this time?" Buck asked with a laugh.
Ezra laughed and told them the same thing he'd told Josiah. "The usual reasons. My mouth."
"We want all the gory details, Ezra," JD teased.
"I'd really rather not discuss it. Besides, the reasons are not important. The matter is best forgotten. Mr. Larabee has decided that it never even happened. And, as you know, he is never wrong," he told them, leaving them even more confused, but they knew better than to pry.
None of them were aware of Chris standing just inside the door, listening with tears running down his face.
+ + + + + + +
Later that afternoon, Vin sat at his desk thinking about Chris and Ezra. He knew something other than a few heated words was going on between them, but he also knew better than to push. Watching Ezra now as he prepared to leave for the day, Vin got to his feet and quietly approached him. "Hey, Ez, you want ta go get a beer or something?"
Ezra looked up in surprise and said, "No, thank you, Vin. I just want to go home."
"'Kay." The sharpshooter didn't know why it bothered him, Ezra telling him no, yet again, but it did. Just once, Vin wanted him to say yes. He knew Ezra was scared of taking a chance on friendship, and this mess with Chris probably wasn't helping any. 'Chris, of course.' Vin straightened his shoulders as the thought suddenly occurred to him. Taking a step closer, he took a deep breath and played a hunch.
"Ezra, bear with me for just a moment, okay? I'm not as good with words as you, so give me a minute," he said, and then paused to gather his thoughts. "I can be friends with more than just one person, and am real good at keeping secrets." Vin gave him a pointed look and then sighed. This wasn't coming out like he wanted. "Okay. Let's try it this way. I can be friends with both you and Chris. And I know that you probably don't want me in the middle of whatever's going on between the two of you, but I want you to know that I…I'm here if you need me."
This must be his month for shocks, but this was one of the good ones. Ezra felt his poker face slip for a second and had to quickly rein in his emotions. Shaking his head, he suddenly grinned that cocky grin that lit up his whole face and made those around him smile in response. "So where are we going for supper?" Ezra asked and picked up his briefcase. "And just because you're paying doesn't mean I want to eat at McDonald's."
Vin blinked a couple of times before he grinned, then frowned. "I'm paying?"
"Yes," Ezra said as if he was talking to a child, "we already covered that."
"When? All I asked was if ya wanted to get a beer," Vin complained.
"I beg to differ. You asked if I wanted a beer or something. I naturally assumed the 'something' was supper," he explained.
Josiah's and Nathan's laughter could be heard as they walked toward the elevator.
+ + + + + + +
Ezra stared into the flames and wished he could just disappear within them; wished that the flames would swallow him, burning Chris from his mind and heart. Shaking his head, Ezra told himself for the millionth time that he never should have come, but Josiah had insisted on both his presence and the fire even though there was barely even a nip in the air. And, just like the fire, here he was. He figured he'd be safe enough in the company of the others, but not even they could protect him from his memories.
Hearing a noise behind him, Ezra turned and suddenly found himself face to face with Chris. He casually turned back to the fire, but inside he was a bundle of nerves. The others certainly couldn't protect him if they weren't around. Gazing at the fire, Ezra bit his tongue to keep from making some inane remark.
Ezra felt the heat of Chris's body even before he touched him and just managed to suppress the shiver that threatened as those strong arms wrapped around him. Then before he lost the last shred of his self-respect, he pulled himself free and moved away from him. "What are you doing?"
"I don't know," Chris said with a heartfelt sigh.
"You've had your chance, Mr. Larabee. Remember?" Ezra reminded him. Then with a smirk on his face, he continued, "Oh, wait, that's right. You can't remember something that never happened. Can you?" Ezra's small victory was quickly forgotten as Chris advanced on him and didn't stop until he was backed into a corner, literally.
"Ezra," he sighed.
Ezra shuddered as he felt Chris's hot breath on his lips and, giving into his feelings coursing through his body, kissed him with all the pent-up emotions he felt. Needing to touch, he tugged Chris' shirt up and ran his hands up and down his strong back before sticking them inside Chris's back pockets, pulling him closer. Feeling Chris tug his shirt out of his pants and touch his bare back was like being doused with cold water, and reality quickly dawned. With a strength he didn't even know he possessed, Ezra tore his mouth away from Chris and shoved him back. "No!" he cried in a determined tone and made to walk away.
Grabbing his arm, Chris pleaded, "Ezra-"
"Don't," Ezra said and, jerking his arm free, crossed to the other side of the room. Running both hands through his hair, he fought a losing battle for control.
"Ezra, I'm sorry," Chris began and took a step toward him, but Ezra stopped him cold with just a look. "I know I should have said that sooner, but I was scared. Hell, Ezra, I'm still scared, but I'm more afraid of losing you."
"You never had me."
"I had you in the barn," the blonde pointed out.
"No, Chris, that was sex. Pure and simple," Ezra told him.
"That's not true. We shared something-"
"A bale of hay. I'm talking about me," Ezra said, slapping himself on the chest. "The real me. The me inside. You can't lose what you've never had." He watched as what he said finally registered with Chris, causing him to stagger back a couple of steps. Seeing the others headed their way through the window behind Chris, Ezra said, "I cannot go through this again, Chris. I…I'm not as strong as you think I am. You hurt me before, and now I'm scared." Taking a tentative step closer, Ezra stopped and, looking Chris directly in the eye, bared his soul. "I could have loved you if you'd let me." His mind silently screamed, 'Let me! Please, let me love you.'
In the silence that followed, Ezra swallowed the lump in his throat and straightened his shoulders. He would have made his mother proud as he allowed the icy indifference that he'd been brought up with to finally win. Nothing was safe from its destructive path. All the warmth and hard won freedom he'd fought for was sucked into the vortex and hidden from those who would do him harm.
Vin walked out of the kitchen and almost staggered at the tension in the living room. Looking over at Ezra, he could tell something was dreadfully wrong.
JD walked in laughing about something and immediately fell silent, looking from Chris to Ezra in question. "Hey, guys, what's going on?"
The cold smile on Ezra's face sent a shiver down Vin's spine and got everyone's attention.
"Nothing, JD. Nothing whatsoever," Ezra stated in a calm voice. "Did you gentlemen enjoy your ride?"
"Yeah," JD said with a shrug, then asked, "Are you sure everything's okay?"
"Of course. Just a little misunderstanding. It appears that Mr. Larabee was right, and I was wrong," Ezra explained, then mumbled under his breath, "again."
+ + + + + + +
It was close to dawn the next morning, and Chris was awake. In fact, he'd been awake most of the night thinking about his life and Ezra. Sighing, Chris knew he was going to have to do some fancy talking to get Ezra to believe him. Hell, just to get Ezra to listen to him.
He had never felt such a rush of emotions as he did when Ezra said he could have loved him. But, while he fought for control, Ezra had misinterpreted his silence. Even now, he could see the light and warmth fade from those green eyes, leaving them cold and dead. Vigorously shaking his head, Chris tried to get the image out of his head, but he knew that it would be forever burned into his mind.
Chris heard the door next to his open. Figuring it was Vin, he didn't worry, but the sound of harsh whispering had him vaulting out of bed and searching for his pants. His hands were shaking so badly that he didn't notice he was putting them on backwards. Cursing under his breath, Chris kicked the damned things off and tried again. Hearing the front door opening had Chris quickly fastening his jeans, throwing open his door and running down the hall. In the rush, he narrowly missed being leveled as another door was suddenly thrown open. Ignoring whomever it was, Chris ran outside and swore as he saw Ezra shove Vin aside and jump into his car. Ezra gunned the engine, causing the vehicle to fishtail, and then he was gone in a cloud of dust.
"Ezra!" he screamed and turned to run back into the house only to hit the ground with a thud as he hit an immovable object. Swearing, Chris looked up and froze. Josiah. Oh, hell it would have to be Josiah. Closing his eyes, Chris tried to think of something to tell him, which was his first mistake. Josiah reached down and, grabbing him by the throat, yanked him to his feet.
"What the hell did you do to him?" Josiah sneered.
"I don't owe you shit," he managed to get out. Allowing Josiah to see the stubborn set of his jaw was Chris' second mistake as he suddenly found himself airborne.
"Josiah! Don't!" Vin shouted and tried to step between the two men, but the older man wasn't letting go. "Josiah, let 'im go!"
"Wrong answer. Now, let's try this again," Josiah warned, ignoring Vin.
"It's…none…of your…business," Chris said as best he could.
Josiah briefly tightened his hold on Chris, and then he abruptly let go, watching as Chris fell into Vin's arms. "Tell me what you did to my boy," the profiler growled and took a step back.
The blonde jerked out of Vin's loose grip and, stepping up to Josiah, snarled, "Ezra's not your son. So quit playing the outraged father!" Chris vaguely heard the Texan swear before Vin threw himself at Josiah.
The usually gentle man saw red and, grabbing Vin by his shirt, threw him aside. Drawing back his fist, he hit Chris squarely in the jaw, sending him flying. Then before Chris even had a chance to draw a breath, Josiah descended on him like the plague. Pressing his arm in Chris's throat, Josiah said in a harsh voice, "I know Ezra isn't my son. Just like the rest of us aren't really family." Seeing that the man's face was turning red, he finally released him. Getting wearily to his feet, Josiah looked down at Chris and Vin. "Don't you get it, Chris? Ezra is the son I've always wanted. Just like each of us are the family we each so desperately needed," he implored with a shake of his head.
"I'm telling you now that if Ezra leaves, I leave," Josiah warned him a hard voice. Seeing that the blonde man was about to say something, the profiler spoke up first, "Save it. 'Cause I don't want to hear it. Not now."
Chris rubbed his throat with one hand and wiped the blood from his busted lip with the other. Shaking his head, Chris wondered how things could have gone so wrong, so fast. 'I love Ezra, so why- Whoa! Did I just say the "L" word?' he asked himself. Closing his eyes, Chris pushed everything else away and focused on the feelings that Ezra evoked in him. His blue-green eyes snapped open as he realized that it was the 'L' word. 'It's true. I, Christopher Matthew Larabee love Ezra Standish. Oh, my god. Oh, my god, what have I done?' Chris asked himself as realization finally dawned.
With a weary shake of his head, he watched Josiah turn on his heels and walk back into the house. Looking over at Vin, he asked, "What happened this morning? Why'd he leave so early?"
Vin thought long and hard about not telling him, but he figured that there was enough of not telling going on. "I don't really know. I just stepped back in the room after showering and there he was dressed and throwing things into his night bag, " he told him. "I tried to get him to talk to me, but he wouldn't say a word. Just kept shaking his head. I grabbed my boots just in case he tried to bolt, but I wasn't fast enough. He was gone before I knew it."
"Did he say anything to you at all?"
"No, nothing. I think he was about to when you showed up," the sharpshooter said with a shrug. "What's going on Chris? I know it's none of my business, but something is, and I gotta tell ya I don't like it. Not one bit." Vin saw Chris flinch and looked away with a sinking feeling in his gut. Shaking his head, he started backing away from his friend and told him, "Never mind. I don't think I want to know. Not just yet, anyway. But I think you need to do some serious thinking about whatever it is. We can't let this family break up over nothing."
Chris slowly nodded his head. "What about you? Where are you going?"
"After Ezra." Then Vin turned and hurried to this truck.
"Please, Lord, let Vin find him. Please," Chris whispered as he watched the truck disappear down the road. Taking a deep breath, he slowly made his way inside. Stepping into the kitchen, he was surprised to find Josiah cooking. "I thought you'd be leaving."
Without looking at him, Josiah replied, "I promised to make JD some French toast this morning, and I'm a man of my word."
"Hey, Josiah, why ya leaving so early?" Nathan asked, and then got his first real look at Chris. "What happened to you? Are you all right?"
"I'm fine, Nathan."
"Are you sure?" JD asked with a frown.
"You didn't look like this when you went to bed last night. So what gives?" Buck put in, speaking for the first time.
Josiah snorted and responded, "I'd say it was poetic justice. Wouldn't you, Mr. Larabee?"
"'Poetic justice?' What the hell does that mean?" Nathan wanted to know.
"Simple really. It means his mouth overloaded his ass," Josiah explained with a humorless grin. Seeing the questioning looks thrown his way, he said with a shrug of his shoulders, "Nothing."
'There's that word again,' Chris thought. Looking up at Josiah, he mumbled, "Enjoying yourself?"
"Immensely."
"Thanks, Josiah," JD said as the older man set a plate in front of him. "You never did say why you were leaving?" he asked.
"Change of plans," was all Josiah would say.
"Where the hell are Ezra and Vin?" Buck asked as he flopped back down in one of the kitchen chairs after pouring himself some coffee.
Josiah dropped the skillet in the sink and turned to Chris with a pointed look. "Yes, Mr. Larabee, just where are Ezra and Vin?"
Chris felt tears sting his eyes and turned away before anyone could see. In a gruff voice, he said, "Gone." Then he left and headed straight for his room to take a shower. Only under the pelting water did he allow his tears to fall.
+ + + + + + +
Vin spotted the suitcase by the couch as soon as he walked in and, just as he was about to say something, Ezra turned around. He saw the pleading look in his eyes and waited.
"Vin, I-" Ezra started only to stop. Releasing a deep sigh, he continued, "Vin, I…need a…favor," he said, looking down at the floor.
The sharpshooter could see the inner struggle going on within his friend and said the only thing he knew to help. "Anything, Ezra, just name it."
Nodding his head, he whispered, "Thank you. I need some uninterrupted time to do some thinking. And you know as well as I do that I will not get that here. So my favor is this: With no questions asked, I need a ride to the airport."
Vin wanted so badly to say no, but he'd given Ezra his word and he would stand by it. "Okay. When?" he asked, then grinned. "Sorry. That was a question, wasn't it?"
"I'll allow that one," Ezra replied with a grin of his own. "Now's good," he said, picking up his suitcase.
The ride to the airport was done in complete silence until Ezra said, "You can drop me at the front. You don't have to come in with me."
Not trusting his voice, Vin just nodded and pulled up in front of the doors. He grabbed Ezra's arm before he got out and said, "I don't know what's going on, and I'm not asking any questions. I just want to make sure you know we're here for you. I'm here for you, Ezra."
The Southerner nodded his head and, pulling his arm free, stepped out of the truck and quickly went inside.
+ + + + + + +
The next morning Chris was determined to speak with Ezra. He'd called him off and on all night but hadn't spoken with him once. Now it was morning, and he sat at Ezra's desk wondering how the hell the man could be so organized. Everything was stacked in neat little piles. Glancing at the clock once again, Chris was beginning to worry that Ezra might not show up at all. Finally, he asked the question he'd been avoiding since the others arrived, especially Vin. "Has anyone heard from Ezra?"
"No," was the general answer.
Vin shook his head and replied, "Ezra won't be coming in."
"Why not?" Chris asked even though he was afraid of the answer.
"He's taking some time off."
"'Time off?' Who the hell gave him permission?"
"I did," a voice said from the door.
"Judge Travis," Chris said, getting to his feet. "Why?"
"Because he asked. And because when he called me yesterday, there was something in his voice that told me he was going whether I agreed or not," Judge Travis explained. "I asked Agent Standish if he'd cleared this with you, and he said no, said that it was you and this team that he had to get away from, and he knew you'd never agree to it." Stepping further into the room, he continued, "So, my question to you is this: What the hell is going on? I was really reluctant about hiring Ezra, but the smart-mouthed little shit grows on you. Ezra Standish is a good man, not to mention the best damned undercover agent in the business."
Chris nodded his head and, shoving his hand into his pocket, pulled out his keys. "If I hurry, I might be able to catch him, and then we can straighten this whole mess out."
"He's not home," Vin told him before he'd taken two steps.
"How do you know?"
"Because I took him to the airport yesterday."
Buck had been watching the Judge closely and asked, "There's more to this, isn't there?"
Judge Travis nodded and responded, "Yes. Ezra has requested a transfer."
That broke Chris out of his state of shock. "The hell he is! Ezra's not going anywhere," he all but shouted. 'He can't,' he silently pleaded.
"That's really not for you to say. Is it?"
"I'm in charge of this team."
"Yes, but I'm in charge of you," Travis reminded him. "Look, Agent Larabee, I told Ezra I wouldn't accept anything from him until his return." Folding his arms across his chest, he gave Chris a pointed look and said, "I don't know what's going on here, Chris, but whatever it is, work it out. I might be able to stop him from transferring, but not from simply resigning." Having said his piece, Judge Travis gave JD a pat on the arm and left.
Needing a vent for his frustrations, Chris locked eyes on Vin. "I thought you were my friend!"
"I am your friend, but I'm Ezra's friend too!" Vin told him and then grabbed his arm as he made to go past. "Besides, he needed me more. Whatever happened, you hurt him a hell of a lot more than he hurt you," he accused. The sharpshooter braced himself for the fist he knew was coming and was surprised when it didn't. The bigger surprise was that Josiah had grabbed Chris's fist mid-swing and pulled him away.
"Not today, brother," Josiah told him and tightened his hold on the blonde. "Today, we're gonna settle things without fists. Everyone in the conference room, now," he said in a commanding tone. Only once the door was closed and locked behind them did he release Chris.
Chris eyed the members of his team and made to leave, only to find the door blocked by Buck and Nathan. "Move," he told them.
"No," Nathan replied and linked his arm with Buck's.
"If this family's breaking up, then we deserve to know why," JD put in and linked his arm through Buck's other arm.
"So, you're ganging up on me," Chris accused in a hard voice and crossed to the other side of the room.
"We'll do what we have to," Nathan told him.
"Talk to us, Chris," Vin said and sat down at the conference table.
Josiah looked at Vin and asked, "Do you know where Ezra went?"
Shaking his head, Vin ran a hand through his hair before replying, "No. He wouldn't let me come in with him so I left him at the door and came back home."
JD pulled out the chair next to Vin's and sat down. Looking up at Josiah, he asked, "Do you think Ezra really wants to transfer?"
Josiah just shrugged.
"I don't understand what happened. I mean everything was fine Friday. So why now?" Nathan asked as he too sat down.
Chris felt his resolve weakening and wearily turned around to face the others. Taking a really good look at them, he noticed for the first time that Josiah and Vin had circles under their eyes, and that Nathan and JD were looking worried, but what really scared him was that Buck had yet to say a word. Which was never a good sign. And Ezra? God only knew where the man was. The thought of never seeing Ezra again had his insides in knots. All of this was his fault. Every damned bit of it.
"Aww, hell," Chris muttered under his breath. Pulling out the chair at the head of the table, he sat down. Taking a deep breath, Chris cleared his throat and said, "What I do outside this building is none of your damned business."
"That's true, but you haven't kept it outside this building. Have you?" Josiah pointed out. "Ezra requesting a transfer makes it our business."
"We just want to understand," Buck spoke for the first time and made his way to the table.
"Fine! But I won't tell you everything," he finally conceded. "Over the last couple of weeks, things between me and Ezra have changed." Chris started to say more, but was interrupted.
"We know. That's why we're here," Nathan replied.
"I mean, really changed. There's a…chemistry between us now," Chris tried to tell them without actually having to tell them.
Buck's eyes widened and he grinned as understanding dawned. "You mean you've fallen in love with him?"
JD frowned as he saw Chris nod his head yes. "But you were married."
'Damn JD, go straight for the throat why don't you,' he silently complained. "I've always been attracted to both sexes, JD. I knew the first time that I saw Sarah that she'd be mine. She was all I wanted. All I needed. Adam was just icing on the cake. They were my world."
"We understand that, Chris, but what's that got to do with Ezra?" Vin quietly asked.
"When I lost them, I lost a part of myself. It was only with Buck's help that I was able to pull myself out of the mire I was stuck in, and, thanks to him and the rest of you, I found that missing part and finally started living again," Chris admitted to them.
"So what's the problem with Ezra?" Vin asked.
"I'm getting to it. Just keep your pants on," Chris snapped.
Buck ran his hands through his hair and sighed. "You're afraid to take another chance after what happened with Sarah."
The blonde leader nodded and whispered, "I wouldn't survive another loss like that."
"Brother, we all know the risks involved in our jobs, but can you give up a chance at heaven to wallow in a self-imposed hell?" Josiah asked in an understanding voice.
JD smiled and shook his head. "Damn, Josiah, you've spent so much time with Ezra that you're starting to sound just like him."
"Thank you," the older man said with a smile.
"Ezra makes me want to dream again. Makes me think of the future," Chris told them with a catch in his voice. "I don't know what to do."
Vin suddenly jumped to his feet and slammed his fist on the table. "That's bullshit, and you know it! You know exactly what to do! Hell, Chris, the way I see it you got three choices. One, you can bury your feelings and leave the man alone so he'll stay. Two, you can let him transfer and live with the regret of never having even tried. Or three, you give yourselves a chance at happiness for however long God allows you."
"Damnit, Vin, it's not that simple!" Chris bellowed as he too got to his feet.
"Yes, it is. You either want to take the chance or you don't. That's it. There's no middle ground here, " the sharpshooter said and sat back down. "And you better make up your mind pretty quick, too, 'cause you don't know how long Ezra will be gone, or if he's even coming back."
Nathan couldn't believe what he was hearing. Chris and Ezra in love? With each other! He would never have believed it if he hadn't heard it with his own ears. Another thing he couldn't believe was how understanding the others were being. Shaking his head, Nathan sighed. It wasn't as though he had a problem with gay people, but he had to admit that he didn't understand what attracted one man to another. But he would never have believed that either Chris or Ezra was gay. Nathan had the utmost respect for Chris, and the more he looked beyond the surface, the more Nathan respected Ezra.
"Nathan? Are you okay?" Josiah asked with a frown.
Looking up, Nathan felt a sudden urge to run, but instead said, "No. No, I'm not. Chris and Ezra in…love? I'm sorry, but it kinda boggles the mind. I-I never would have believed it. Of either of you. I don't know what to say, and I…I don't understand how the rest of you can be so fast in the acceptance of it."
"Nathan, just because Chris loves a man doesn't stop him or Ezra from being our friends," JD reminded him.
Getting to his feet, Nathan began to back away. "I know that here," pointing to his heart, "but in here," pointing to his head, "I need time to work it out. I'm sorry." With that, he left.
"I can't believe him," JD muttered mostly to himself, but the others heard.
"No, JD. Nathan was being honest, and I admire him for that. It is a bit much to take in all at once. And I have to say that I'm surprised that you're taking it so well," Chris said, looking at the door.
"Well, hell, Chris, I don't care who you and Ezra love, so long as you don't forget the rest of us," JD told him with a smile.
With a smirk, Buck said, "Like anyone could forget a runt like you." Then he slapped JD on the back.
"Well at least I ain't color blind," JD shot back at his roommate.
"Damnit, kid, I told you, in the dark both of these socks looked black," Buck reminded him.
"Sure, Buck, whatever you say," the younger man mocked.
Laughing, the others either looked down or under the table and saw Buck had on one black sock and one obviously blue sock.
+ + + + + + +
Nathan sat down at his desk and immediately got back up. Pacing back and forth across the office, he finally decided that he needed to get out of there. After quickly writing a note, Nathan taped it to Josiah's computer monitor, grabbed his jacket and left.
+ + + + + + +
Ezra had just stepped out of his car when he saw a dejected looking Nathan walking toward his own car. With a frown, the Southerner wondered if he should follow him or not. Looking from Nathan to the parking garage door, Ezra decided that Chris would have to wait and, getting in his car, followed the medic.
Standing outside Nathan's apartment building, Ezra hesitated before entering. 'Maybe you should just call Josiah and tell him you think something's wrong with Nathan,' he told himself. 'After all, you and Nathan aren't exactly the best of friends.' Although they had been getting along much better lately. 'Besides, it would be the right thing to do,' an inner voice suddenly reminded him. 'Damn Josiah and his bad influences. I never had a problem with a conscience before.' Actually, he had always had a conscience; it had just been easier to ignore before hooking up with the other six men. Sighing, Ezra opened the door and headed for the elevator before he lost his nerve.
+ + + + + + +
Nathan checked his mail, then his messages and was surprised by the knock at his door. Dropping the mail on the table, he opened the door and stared in shock at Ezra. "Ezra! What are you doing here? I thought you were out of town," he said, stepping back to let him in.
"I was, but due to a twist of fate," Ezra shrugged his shoulders, "I came back early."
Nodding his head, Nathan looked at Ezra and tried to figure out how he missed it.
"Mr. Jackson, Nathan, I don't mean to pry, but are you all right?" he asked, watching Nathan watch him.
"Yeah, I'm…I'm…hmm…okay," Nathan said with a shrug.
Ezra was starting to get an uneasy feeling in his stomach at the scrutiny in that gaze. 'Oh, no,' he silently moaned. 'I am going to kill Josiah when I see him again.'
"Have you been speaking with Mr. Sanchez?"
Shaking his head, Nathan said, "No. Chris." And then watched as Ezra's face lost all of its color. "No! Ezra, it's not what you think. Honest. Chris didn't tell us anything other than that he's come to care for you," he said in a rush.
Breathing heavily, Ezra asked, trying to keep the hope out of his voice, "Really?"
"Well, Judge Travis told us that you'd requested a transfer, and we wanted to know why the team was breaking up. Of course, he wouldn't tell us anything at first, so we had to lay the guilt on pretty thick," Nathan told him with a grin.
"Do you want me to leave? I…I don't want to make you uncomfortable," Ezra told him.
"No, Ezra, I don't want you to leave. I didn't mean to stare at you," he apologized. "I never would have believed that you or Chris were gay. Not that it matters, but I have to be honest and tell you that it was something of a shock."
"I can imagine," the Southerner agreed and sat down on the couch with a sigh.
"Ezra, are you okay? You seem a little shaken up."
Ezra thought about the last day and a half and shook his head. "My plane had engine trouble, and we had to make an emergency stop at some no name airstrip in Texas," he told him.
"Were you hurt? Do you want me to call Josiah? Or Chris?"
"No to both, thank you. I'm fine, Nathan. Honestly. Luckily no one was hurt," Ezra reassured him. "After we landed, they gave us the option of continuing or going home. And here I am," he grinned. "But I have to tell you, Nathan, that I'm a much wiser man than I was before I left Denver. Having a near death experience wakes a man up."
"Ezra, I hate to tell you this, but we have near death experiences nearly everyday in our line of work."
"Yes, but at work there's an element of control."
"I'm glad you came home, Ezra," Nathan told him and slapped him on the leg as he sat down beside him. Then, with a wide grin, he continued, "But if you get any wiser then we're all gonna be in a world of trouble."
With a laugh, Ezra said, "Well, someone has to keep you men sharp."
"What are you going to do about Chris?" Nathan asked, wiping the smile right off Ezra's face.
"I honestly don't know," he replied and ran his hands through his hair.
"I wish I could tell you what to do, but I can't. I will give you a bit of advice though." The medic paused and waited for Ezra to look at him before continuing. "Follow your heart. That's what my father used to always tell me."
With a smirk, Ezra got to his feet and said, "It's not always that easy, Nathan, especially if the other party doesn't want your…heart."
"Make him want it," Jackson responded, and then smiled at the look on the Southerner's face. "I don't think you'll have too hard a time. Chris was pretty rattled when the Judge told us you wanted a transfer."
Ezra felt a surge of hope at those words. 'Maybe things could work out,' he thought. 'Not very likely though,' Ezra reminded himself.
"I say go for it," Nathan told him. "In fact, I dare you."
"You dare me?" Ezra repeated with a raised eyebrow.
"You probably can't do it. I mean, you know how stubborn Chris is," he taunted with a teasing light in his dark brown eyes.
Placing both hands on his lean hips, Ezra turned to Nathan and burst out laughing. After a couple of seconds he said, "I know what you're doing Nathan."
"Is it working?"
"I'll be damned if it isn't," he confessed with a grin. "But I don't want to make Chris want me. I want him to do it on his own."
The medic nodded his head and told him, "Then show him what he's missing. That's what Rain did to me."
'Show him what he's missing,' Ezra silently repeated. That just might work and could prove to be fun. With a twinkle in his eyes, he looked at Nathan and said, "You know, there's only one way to really get a reaction from Chris, and that's to take some of his control away."
"Ezra, I don't think that's such a good idea."
Ezra rubbed his hands together and winked at Nathan. "You know, I haven't eaten all day. What say we go grab a bite? Just the two of us."
"Yeah, sure, why not? But I don't like that look in your eyes, Ezra. What are you going to do to Chris?" Nathan questioned him.
"Where do you feel like eating?"
"Ezra, just tell me what you have planned," Nathan said as he grabbed his jacket and followed the Southerner out the door.
+ + + + + + +
Ezra took several deep, calming breaths before exiting the elevator. Heads naturally looked up as the doors opened, and Ezra was completely unaware of the picture he made as he strolled by. After all, it wasn't everyday that the floor's occupants got to see the suave Southerner dressed in tight fitting blue jeans, black cowboy boots, a black T-shirt that made his green eyes more vivid, and a soft black leather jacket. And, to top it all off, the undercover agent's soft, chestnut hair had a windblown look to it and hung gently on his forehead.
"Good morning, gentlemen," Ezra said as he swept into the room with a big grin on his face.
Four heads looked up in surprise and cried, "Ezra!"
Chris looked at Vin for a second and then bolted for the door. Stepping into the outer office, he drank in what he could see of Ezra and breathed a sigh of relief. Josiah had a struggling Ezra in a massive bear hug with JD and Buck hovering close by. Nathan stood just behind them with a big grin on his face and did not seem at all surprised to see Ezra there.
Vin brushed past Chris and, walking right up to Ezra, slapped him on the back. "Welcome back."
"Thank you," Ezra replied, still grinning. Not ready to deal with Chris, Ezra held up a hand as Chris was about to step closer and said, "Stay." And to everyone's surprise, including both Ezra's and Chris's, he did just that.
'Stay?' Chris silently repeated. 'I'm not a dog. He can't tell me to stay. Who the hell does he think he is? I'm the boss in this relationship, damnit!' Chris silently fumed. He opened his mouth to tell Ezra exactly that, but closed it as he heard JD's question.
"You're not transferring are you, Ezra?" JD asked.
"'Transferring?'" Ezra repeated, then grinned and winked at Nathan. "Where on earth did you hear that?" he asked and sat on the corner of Josiah's desk.
Chris narrowed his eyes as Ezra grinned and winked at Nathan, then frowned as Nathan returned that grin. 'What the hell's going on there?'
"Judge Travis," Buck told him.
"Gentlemen, the good Judge is," the Southerner paused as if looking for a word and then said, "well…old. His hearing is obviously going to be the first thing to go. He clearly misunderstood me."
"So you're not transferring?" Vin finally asked outright.
Looking directly at Chris, Ezra slowly licked his lips and replied, "No." Hopping off the desk, Ezra smiled and snatched up Josiah's jacket. Tossing it to him, he walked over, grabbed Vin's and did the same. "Grab your jackets, boys, we're going to go and blow off a little steam."
Buck grinned and asked, "You been drinking, Ezra?"
"Not yet. Right now, I'm high on life," he explained. Seeing that Chris was about to move, Ezra once again held up his hand and said, "Stay." His smile grew as he saw Chris's blue-green eyes darken as his temper flared.
"So where are we going?" JD asked with a smile.
"Where real men go to blow off steam, of course."
"Strip joint?" Buck piped up, wiggling his eyebrows.
"Buck!" JD laughed and shook his head. "We're gonna go shoot some hoops. Right?"
"Sorry, but no. To both," Ezra said. Looking at Nathan, he asked, "Care to take a stab at it, Nathan?"
"Long distance running," Nathan offered. "That's what I like to do to unwind."
Ezra grinned, but shook his head no and looked at Josiah.
With a sheepish look in his eyes, Josiah said, "Well, there's this old tree stump in my back yard that I take an ax to from time to time when I need to blow off some steam."
The Southerner looked at Josiah for a moment, and then in a very serious tone said, "Oh, Josiah, we're gonna have to find you a new hobby." Ezra gave Vin a hopeful look and raised one eyebrow in question.
Vin couldn't keep the grin off his face. He was glad Ezra had come home. He was even happier to see him smiling and joking. This was a side of their friend that they very rarely saw. Cocking his head to the side, Vin hooked his thumbs in his beltless belt loops and said, "Well, since all the obvious choices are taken I'd have to say the shooting range."
"Very good, Vin. I called in a favor, and we have the whole place to ourselves," Ezra told them with a wide grin. "I thought we might pit the young and handsome," indicating Vin, JD and himself, "against the old and grizzly," indicating Buck, Nathan and Josiah.
"Hey!" the others said in mock outrage.
"What about Chris?" JD asked with a frown.
Turning on his heel, Ezra threw over his shoulder, "Chris won't be able to join us this time."
Chris felt his heart drop at Ezra's words, and he watched him close the door and pull the blinds closed. His heart immediately jumped into his throat as the younger man approached him. The blonde was determined to hold his ground, but, to his horror, he found himself stepping back as Ezra pressed forward.
Reaching up, Ezra grabbed Chris' shirt and shoved him into the wall behind him. "I talk. You listen," he told him in a whispered tone that was heard throughout the office. "I'm not going to go away, Chris. I'm not going to hide. I'm staying, and you're just going to have to learn to deal with this. And me." Releasing him, Ezra stepped back, but didn't break eye contact.
Chris opened his mouth, only to immediately close it at the look in Ezra's eyes.
"I talk. You listen," Ezra repeated in a firm voice. "I'm willing to give you another chance, but not until you know exactly what you want. I refuse to be played with." Stepping closer, Ezra trailed a finger down Chris's cheek. Stepping closer still, the Southerner called out, "Nathan, you might want to cover your sensitive eyes." Then, before the words had died, Ezra pressed his lips to Chris's and his body flush against him.
Moaning, Chris completely melted onto the body holding him against the wall and pushed his hands inside Ezra's jacket trying to get even closer. Then, just as Chris was losing himself in the taste and feel of Ezra, he was gone.
Leaning forward, Ezra drew Chris's head down and kissed him gently on the forehead before whispering in his ear, "Do you honestly want to give this up before we even know what it is?" Pulling back, Ezra reached for the hands resting on his hips and, bringing them both to his mouth, pressed a hot, wet kiss on the inside of each wrist. Stepping away, he walked over to the door where he paused with his hand on the knob and said, "All or nothing, Chris. No middle ground.
"Oh, and one more thing," he stopped and grinned. "The Judge wants to see you ASAP." Opening the door, Ezra called over his shoulder, "Come on, guys, let's go play cops and robbers."
"Do we get to be the cops?" JD asked as he made to follow.
"No, JD. We're the robbers," the Southerner said as if it were obvious.
"The robbers? Why?" JD questioned with a frown.
"Because the robbers get to have more fun," Vin explained with a grin and shot Chris an encouraging look as he walked out.
Josiah, Buck and Nathan smiled at each other as the others left. Shaking his head, Buck walked over to Chris and slapped him on the back. "I only have one thing to ask you, Chris. It's the same question I asked you when you met Sarah." He paused, running his forefinger and thumb across his mustache before continuing, "Are you sure you want to get mixed up with a pistol like that?"
"Yeah, brother, he can be a real handful," Josiah warned with a smile.
Chris smiled and said the first thing that came to his mind. "Yes. Yes, I do." Looking at Josiah, he held out his hand and found it firmly shaken. "Does this mean I have your approval?"
"Not that you need it, but yes, you do. I think you and Ezra…" Josiah paused to search for the right word then grinned as Nathan supplied it for him.
"Balance each other," Nathan told Chris and gave him a gentle shove.
"Hey! You guys better hurry," JD said from the door. "Ezra said he's tired of waiting. In fact, he said if you're not out in five minutes, then he'll leave your asses here, and we'll play without you."
"See ya later, Chris," Buck said as he, Nathan and Josiah left.
Chris stood there a second, enjoying the silence, and then broke out in a grin as he relived the kiss he and Ezra had shared. Licking his lips, Chris could still taste him, and he felt his body respond with a delightful shiver of awareness. Shaking his head, Chris went back into his office, grabbed his jacket and, with a bounce in his step, headed up to see the Judge.
+ + + + + + +
Later that night, Chris stood outside Ezra's door and, for what seemed like the hundredth time, raised his hand to knock on the door only to let it fall back to his side. After his meeting with the Judge, Chris had gone home to shower and change his clothes before fixing himself a sandwich and hightailing it back to town. And Ezra. That was an hour ago.
Glancing at his watch, Chris swore as he realized that he had been standing outside this damned door for thirty minutes trying to work up the nerve to actually knock on the stupid ass thing. Backing away, Chris only stopped when his back touched the wall behind him. Sliding to the floor, he rested his head on his knees and prayed. "Please, Lord, don't let me screw this up," he whispered under his breath.
With a renewed determination, Chris's head snapped up and he winced as he struck it on the wall behind him. Rubbing his head, he got to his feet and dusted the seat of his jeans off. Then, before he lost what little nerve he had left, he reached out and knocked on the door. 'What if he doesn't want to see me?' he asked himself as he waited.
Chris had just raised his hand to knock again when the door opened to reveal Ezra wearing nothing but a pair of blue jeans shorts. Swallowing hard, Chris raked his eyes down the delectable body in front of him, and then back up to Ezra's eyes. 'Oh, shit,' he thought as Ezra stepped back to let him in, 'I'm in trouble. There's no way in hell I'll be able to concentrate with him dressed like that.'
With all his earlier bravado gone, Ezra held onto the door for support as Chris walked in. After closing the door, he turned and moved to the middle of the room. An audible click had Ezra turning around, and his breath caught as he noticed that Chris had locked the door. Slipping his shaking hands into his pockets, he watched as the blonde dropped his keys beside Ezra's on the table, then removed his jacket and threw it on the back of a nearby chair.
Seeing Chris standing outside his door, Ezra had given serious thought to pretending he wasn't home, but for once his need for answers was greater than his sense of self-preservation.
Determined to at least stand his ground, Ezra didn't move as Chris approached him.
"You had your turn to talk this morning, now it's my turn," Chris told him and cleared his throat before continuing. "First, I want to say I'm sorry for hitting you. I'm sorry about a lot of things, Ezra. But most of all, I'm sorry my insecurities caused you to doubt yourself."
Guarded green eyes watched the black clad blonde take a couple of steps back and Ezra resisted the urge to take him in his arms and simply hold him.
"None of this was your fault, Ezra. It's all mine. Given what we do for a living, I was hesitant about becoming involved, especially with a member of my own team," he told him. "That day in the barn I…found myself touching you before I even realized I had. God, Ezra, you have no idea how that afternoon has both tortured and comforted me," he said in a harsh whisper. "It tears me apart, knowing what I held in my arms, and so carelessly threw away." Releasing a pent-up sigh, Chris ran a hand through his hair before continuing, "And the bastard that I am, I reveled in the fact that after wanting you for nearly a year, you were finally mine, even if only for one brief afternoon."
"Chris, I-" Ezra began, as he spoke up for the first time, only to be interrupted.
"No, Ezra, let me finish. If I don't say this now, then I never will," Chris told him. "You told me this morning, it had to be all or nothing," he said as he closed the distance between them, and he felt his respect for Ezra increase because, unlike himself, Ezra once again held his ground and did not back away.
Standing as close as he dared, Chris continued, "Even though you and I both know things will never be easy between us, we're both just too stubborn and arrogant for our own good. I want, no, I need that chance you offered me this morning." Taking a tentative step closer until they were almost touching, he said, "All or nothing you said. Well, I want it all. From your stubborn Southern pride to your gentle, caring heart. All of you, Ezra."
Ezra nodded his head and, reaching up, took Chris's face in his trembling hands, moaning as he discovered the lips were already open and waiting for him.
Chris gripped Ezra's waist in his hands and pulled him closer. The need for air had them separating all too soon. Chris trailed kisses across Ezra's jaw to his ear where he whispered, "We'll have to be careful, Ezra. Especially at work. This is going to complicate things, probably more than we realize."
Resting his head on Chris' shoulder, Ezra grinned and tugged Chris' shirt out of his pants. Running his hands inside it, he pulled it over Chris's head and tossed it behind him. Pulling back a little to survey the treasure before him, Ezra trailed a finger down the slightly hairy chest. "Well, now, Chris, you know how much I," Ezra had reached Chris' stomach and, when Chris sucked in a breath in reaction, Ezra slipped his hand down inside those black jeans and continued, "like complicated."
Laughing and moaning at the same time, Chris leaned forward and said, "I love you, Ezra."
"I…I love you too," Ezra said with tears in his eyes.
Chris kissed those tears away and then pulled Ezra's hand out of his pants. Giving Ezra a quick kiss on the nose, he said, "Wait right here. Don't move."
Ezra watched as Chris walked into the kitchen and returned with a bottle of wine and two glasses, which he set on the end table next to the couch. Then, sitting down, he placed his booted feet on his coffee table. Clearing his throat, Ezra raised one eyebrow at him, and then grinned as Chris not only removed his boots from the table, but took them off.
Pulling Ezra down into his lap, Chris thoroughly kissed him before pouring them some wine. Handing Ezra his, he touched their glasses together and whispered, "To us."
"To us," Ezra repeated and quickly swallowed the wine. Setting the glass down, he twisted around so that he was straddling Chris's lap. Running his hands slowly up and down the chest in front of him, Ezra bent and kissed the pulse beating in Chris's neck, then kissed his way up and nibbled on his ear, thrilling at the moan that erupted. While kissing his way across Chris's face, Ezra unfastened the jeans beneath him and once again slipped his hand inside.
Chris grabbed that wandering hand and pulled it away before he lost all control. He pushed Ezra back just a little. "Ezra, if we're gonna do this, then we're gonna do it right."
With a grin on his face, Ezra nodded and said, "I couldn't agree with you more. Let's move this to my room. To my bed."
"No, Ezra, that's not what I meant," Chris said and bit his lip as those oh-so-talented hands whispered across his chest. "Ezra, stop that!" he moaned and pulled one hand away from his chest and the other one out of his pants, once again. Holding both of those roving hands in his, Chris took several calming breaths.
"Let's go to my room," the Southerner said in a breathy whisper and leaned forward to kiss him, only to be held back.
"Not yet," Chris began and then paused at the frown on Ezra's face. "Ezra, I don't want to make the same mistakes I made before. If we're going to succeed in this relationship, then you and I are going to have to be open with each other. To share things," he explained.
"Like my bed," Ezra pointed out.
The older man grinned in spite of himself and released the captured hands to cup Ezra's face and pull him down for a sweet kiss before continuing. "Not just your bed, Ezra. I want to get to know the real you. The you inside," Chris said, using the words Ezra had that day in his living room. "But most of all I want to know the you that you keep hidden."
"Really, Chris?" Ezra was afraid to believe it, to give in to it.
"Yes, Ezra. Really."
"And you'll share the real you. The you inside. The you that you keep hidden. Right?" He needed to hear him say it.
"Yes, Ezra, I'll share all of me that you want," Chris reassured him.
"All or n-" Ezra suddenly found a hand covering his mouth.
"Please, don't say that 'N' word, Ezra," Chris pleaded with him. "I want to know everything about you."
"That may take awhile."
"We have the rest of our lives."
"Well, then let's get to living it, Chris. We can get to know each other along the way."
The End