IMPORTANT HEALTH WARNING REGARDING NON-SLASH
MAGNIFICENT SEVEN FAN FICTION

Issued by W. Shywalk, BS, MS, Phd, DD
Office of Pubic Health

It has never been spoken of, but I feel it is my duty, nay my calling to warn readers of the dangers of coming in to contact with the dreadful and rarely spoken of disease of.Female Attachment in Magnificent Seven Fiction.

I am not a doctor, but someone who cares about the lives around here.

I feel it best that we start with the less potent of the strains, where the life expectancy is greater. Then we shall move on to the more virulent of the species and their consequences.

9/10 life expectancy rate: The "JD and Casey" strain.

While this match of young love does our heart good in many ways, reminding us of our youth and the countless sunny days picking stray strands of hay out of asses after we took a tumble or two, it does have its evils.

Young love like this, though not life-threatening, is annoying. You tend to roll your eyes, causing vertigo and eyestrain, coupled with the inevitable nausea as you remember your own attempts at first love which send you screaming from your computer. A dangerous entrée to the bigger strains to come.

This mild strain can be diluted with the addition of Vin Tanner (as the most likely of the Seven not to consider JD "jailbait") or Ezra Standish (because JD actually likes him) and some not so 'brotherly' attention

8/10 life expectancy rate: The "Nathan and Rain" strain.

This is a mixed strain. Though the African American and Native American ancestry will make some beautiful babies, there is something missing. As you ponder that thought, the first sign of trouble is the headache. Your head throbs as you try to fathom what is wrong with this beautiful coupling. Then as the fold into each other's arms for a kiss, it hits you. The pain hits you between the eyes and the ensuing agony can in effect render you unconscious.

Again dilution factor. The removal of the Rain component from the disease and the placement of any of the Seven (preferable in dire need of Nathan's strong, healing hands on certain portions of their anatomy) would be a substitute Aspirin for this condition

7/10 life expectancy rate: The "Josiah and Maude" strain.

This disease is a little more severe in its symptoms and though it ups the ante on your chances on meeting your maker, the survival rate is still good. The disease is brought on by the thought of being in the same room with a naked Josiah and Maude as they make love. Older love, while poignant and giving hope for those of us who feel that we are so 'old' that we will never get 'it', is not something that we want to watch. Same symptoms as the first two, but with the added 'age' factor we are not looking at as great a survival rate.

Suggest injecting some young horny blood into Josiah's bloodstream via a fleshy injecting tool. It would solve his age problem as well as our symptoms

5/10 life expectancy rate: The "Ezra and Li Pong" strain.

The Southern strain is indeed a lethal strain of this virus, but it does give you fifty percent chance of survival. Same symptoms as the first three, but with the added fever and uncontrollable urge to read a Thesaurus from front to back.

The female Pong gene in this virus can be safely removed and replaced with a Buck or Vin serum thereby rendering the strain ineffective as a virus and more inclined to be taken as aphrodisiac

4/10 Life expectancy rate: The "Buck and any female" strain.

Bad virus, very, very bad virus. One of the most severe in its own right because of the amount of female gene that can be added to it. While it has the ability to make you smile, the fatality rate is horrendous.

Warning: At all cost this virus must have the JD serum added, to save not only the this particular strain from gaining ground, but to also stunt the growth of the Dunne strain

WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The below strains are 100% lethal

The "Chris and Mary" strain and the "Vin and Inez" strain.

I can not say enough how seriously hazardous these viruses are to the reader's heath:

Choking on one's meal--alone at your computer, no one to help you with the Heimlich maneuver--you die.

Spitting out the drink you just took a sip of--electrified at your computer terminal--you die.

Eyes bulge out of sockets, causing massive brain hemorrhage--you die.

Pain and sweats cause you to slip of your chair and hit your head--you die.

Note: Two new strains have recently been discovered: the "Mary Sue" strain and the "OFC" strain--Both render all of the above strains of the Female Attachment virus instantaly lethal, and I urge you to be vaccinated with as many of the nearest Slash Fics as you can find --immediately.

As you can see--to save lives there is only one option...

The TOTAL removal of the erroneous Female Gene from not only the Chris and Vin equation, but from all of the Seven strains.

I repeat!! Nothing can save you but the total absences of the female gene from these deadly viruses and total immersion in the slash Genre.

Let us pray that we are in time to save Humanity from themselves.

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